The Rules, as they now stand:
(1) Daddies need to get in shape, get out there, and tussle. No point letting twinks have all the fun.
(2) If chubbies rise up during a wrestling match, either when you're competing or just watching, don't fight nature ... give it a helping hand.
(3) Stop turning wrestling matches into goddamned music videos on YouTube. Nobody gives a rat's ass what your favorite White Zombie track is, okay? And enough with Drowning Pool already! Give it a rest. We want to hear grunts, groans, and trash talk.
(4) Grunts, groans, and trash talk, done right and very loud, can take a just-okay fight up two full notches to fuckin-A.
(5) Somebody needs to show the homophobes at pro-wrestling events the door ... or maybe the back alley. Calling a wrestler a "faggot" or "homo" is just too 1980 to put up with anymore--I don't care if he's wearing a lavender thong with a pink boa over his shoulders. And the color commentators can shove the innuendo shit right up their asses, too. It's 2010; if you wrestlers want to "play gay" to generate heat with the crowd, you need to put up or shut up ... let's see some cock, boys, and a couple of humps in your camel clutch too.
(6) And another thing, guys, you can't pretend it's "fun" (wink-wink) to wrassle the ladies and not fess up that it's "fun" with the boys too.
(7) Let's get some more local pro wrestling shows on TV. WWE and TNA should not be allowed to rule the airwaves. I want some shows, lots of em and lots of different ones, on cable access by the end of February! Get on it.
(8) No gay guy who loves erotic combat should trash-mouth an organization regularly putting skin-on-skin excitement over the Internet or on DVD for home entertainment purposes, no matter how lame the wrestling is, no matter how skinny or flabby the fighters are, no matter how fake the punching is. Constructive criticism is fine, but save your blackest bile for the real enemy, Vince McMahon.
(9) On the other hand, if you want to make money off gay guys who love erotic combat, for Christ's sake teach your boys how to fight, pay them enough so they can join a gym, and let them hurt each other a little.
(10) Stop shaving the pits, men. I'm not paying to watch Kathy Lee Gifford wrestle, and I'm not ready to buy your line that pubes affect your aerodynamics. As for consideration for the guys whose faces you plan to stuff down there, the b.o. can't be much worse than the sandpaper effect of the stubble. I'm just saying.