Friday, April 30, 2010

UCW's "Lost" Matches (Review)

UCW-Wrestling is opening its vaults to show us some never-before-seen nasty business.

The so-called "lost matches" feature two previously unreleased fights--edited versions of custom matches, the sort the company produces on demand for modest fees of $100 and up.


The first fight (#131) plucked out of the vaults gives us the current UCW Champ, Axel, in shiny black trunks, in a battle against El Chulo, in a blue singlet.  Chulo is bigger and ornerier than the champ, just the sort of bully Axel likes to beat up.


For his part, the luchador acts like he's bent on wiping Axel clean off the UCW roster.  His arm bar is calculated not just to wear Axel down but, even more, to put him out of commission for good.  And Chulo wants to humiliate Axel, too--rubbing his bare foot into the young stud's face while wrenching his arm all but loose from its socket.


You know where the story goes from here.  Axel, through sheer agility, resilience, and fighting heart, gains the upper hand over the grandes maton--and the foot used to humiliate the champ gets a good share of the hurt, in a long, satisfying act of retribution that sees Axel's own foot planted on the side of the heel's cringing face.

Of course, it takes more than this to keep a badass like El Chulo down.  Chulo isn't above biting to turn the tide back in his favor.  Any low tactic will do in a pinch.  And he proceeds to give Axel a good enough beating to make us dread the inescapably looming payback, even while Chulo is on top and imagining himself as unstoppable.

The bone Axel's going to pick with the burly wrestler is not going to be a funny bone; it's going to be a sorry-you-ever-stepped-on-the-mat bone.  And the tingle of anticipation grows till Axel turns on Chulo and begins to mete out justice with the hard bony knobs of his knuckles.


The second match (#132) pits Joker against James the Never Give Up Kid, in a rough, no-punches-pulled barefoot match that features heaping helpings of misery and humiliation and a virtually nonstop soundtrack of grunts and groans, punctuated with the rhythmic crunch of bones upon bones.  Both men are shirtless, and Joker, in particular, looks more ripped than I ever remember seeing him.


Joker, surprisingly un-mouthy for the first third of the fight (and comparatively restrained even for the final two-thirds), grinds his bare foot into James's face and then chomps his teeth into James's foot.  Diabolical!  James, in turn, rubs his foot in Joker's face and then picks him up by his feet, dangling him upside down till the blood rushes to his head--then, at last he slams him down to the mat on his head.  Merciless!


So, yeah, as you might have guessed, there's something here (in both matches) for the foot fetishists--Joker forces James to lick his toes ... four times!--and, I have to admit it, there IS undeniably something to be said for this kink--but that's not all there is to this fight.

Along the way, the boys dish out a bevy of other raw moves, ranging from strangulation to nose tweaks, from arm bars to back breakers, from gut punches to ball slaps, from wedgies to body slams, from hair- and ear-pulling to  bear hugs.  And I just know I'm forgetting something important here.

But, as in every good fight, the theme is justice.  We see the guys who think they can get away with anything get their nuts kicked up to their sinuses.  Yeah, payback is a bitch.  It is, in fact, its own sort of fetish, like wrestling and foot licking.  It has its age-old rituals, best preserved for us in the happily predictable laws of pro wrestling.

And whatever kind of winning streak a heel sustains--over minutes, months, or years--the "money shot" in pro wrestling is his comeuppance, which is always as delectable as it is devastating, filling us with desire and terror, both usually at the same time.

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