Friday, August 6, 2010

Angle #3: Hair versus Hair

My goal in this little project is not to list every possible angle in pro wrestling, but to cover only the types of stories that pique my interest.  I say "little project" because, although I have no set deadline, I predict that I have probably only a dozen or so angles that really and truly grab me--a dozen at most, I would guess off the top of my head (hmm, "foreshadowing"), and perhaps as few as six.  Most wrestling scenarios I can take or leave, and a few I genuinely detest--for instance, those involving coffins surrounded by florescent light bulbs, thumbtacks, and ducklings.  Right now, I'm making my choices in this project by thinking about which angles would make me want to go see a wrestling show, even if I know nothing about the participants or the promotion.


Hair-versus-hair matches are a staple in professional wrestling.  Everybody knows that in a hair match the wrestlers put their flowing locks on the line:  loser gets scalped, no further explanation needed.  Even before I became follicly impaired myself, I loved this angle.  However, key points determine whether such a match is likely to appeal to me.  First of all, the participants must both have splendid manes which count for a large part of their gimmick--i.e. their overall presentation or personality in the ring.  Right now I'm thinking Tyler Black versus John Morrison, for an example.  Second, both fighters should have the same stakes--not hair-vs-mask or hair-vs-title or hair-vs-mustache.  It's got to be hair up against hair.  Third, the pulling and yanking of hair should be a regular if not constant feature of the match.  Hair should be used to pull wrestlers in and out of the ring, to slam them to the turnbuckles, to pull them into facebreakers, to guillotine them on the bottom ropes, etc. ... I want to see flying snapmares, god damn it,  and lots of them.  Fourth, the loser's hair must be cut immediately after the fall, and the victor must do the cutting, with sweat still dripping off both men's chests, and hearts still pounding after the long haul of the fight.  (No, let's not call Donald Trump in to do the honors.)  Fifth, the victor should do nothing to prevent his own skin from "accidentally" brushing up against the loser's skin during the fleecing process--to be more specific, I would be particularly pleased to see his sweaty belly rub against the poor fellow's shoulder (tight control over the details being the soul of kink aesthetics).  Sixth, cut it all off.  All of it.  I want to see this bitch in a buzzcut.  Now!

1 comment:

  1. I remember hair vs hair matches being a staple of the 80's, but they were doing us a favor by shearing all those horrible mullets off. You know who I DON'T want to see in a hair match? Brandon T. The man's got the most beautiful locks in the business. To lose them would be a travesty.

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