Friday, August 27, 2010

What WWE Type Are You?

With my man Tyler Black set to move on (and up) to World Wrestling Entertainment, it is perhaps time for me to try to make my peace with Vince McMahon and his indestructible monster.  Frankly, with every indy wrestler I like gunning for a slot in the big time and for the big bucks, I can't afford to ignore the elephant in the room any longer anyway.  Whatever problems I have--still do have--with McMahon's vision of what pro wrestling on TV should be--a collision of Super Bowl and Chippendales and PT Barnum and Days of Our Lives, and precious little wrestling--I have to pay grudging respect for what is, after all, the only game in town as far as most wrestlers and wrestling fans are concerned.  For all its cheesy spectacle, WWE is quite an impressive accomplishment.  I am a Ring of Honor man through and through, but I now have to accept that, with Black's move, McMahon is about to become a member of the family, if only an in-law, and I must make my peace.

Consider this blog an effort at making that peace.  I have to admit that WWE has a pretty damn fine roster, not all of it scavenged off the shanks of crippled and dying indies.  And though even the hottest WWE wrestlers have a vinyl-doll perfection that makes it next to impossible for me to fit them into my gritty, seedy eroto-wrestling-kink fantasies, a number of them can take my breath away.  The premise of this post--like the similar ones I did last year--is that our tastes in wrestlers are a kind of Rorschach test of who we really are.

Well, here I am, then.  Feel free to psychoanalyze (and violently disagree--yeah, I know, no Cena, no Bourne, no Edge):

Randy Orton, 6'4", 245#, looks like an underground comix version of a superhero, RanXerox or somebody, and I mean that, of course, in a good way.

Ted DiBiase, 6'3", 235#.  Beefy (almost literally "bovine"), and always rather sleepy looking, still his big doughy muscles are sexy, all the more so because they don't exactly fit the formula for bodybuilding perfection.

John Morrison, 6'1", 223#.  Liked him better when he was John Hennigan, leaner and less stacked, back on MTV's Tough Enough, but he still looks great.  And cocky as hell.

Dolph Ziggler, 6'0", 221#.  Somebody somewhere identified Ziggler as the "most gay" of the WWE wrestlers, which piqued my curiosity.  The man looks like a "Gorgeous George" Wagner for the Age of the Jetsons, one part "Race" Bannon, one part Max Headroom.

The Miz, 6'1", 231#.  Another MTV alumni.  Of all the guys on the WWE, Miz looks the most real.  And it counts for something in my book that he's evil as well.

R-Truth, 6'2", 235#, looks like coffee if coffee could take a punch to the abs.

Wade Barrett, 6'7", 260#, reminds me of the guy who fell off the Argo and was stabbed to death by the hot young villain in Jason and the Argonauts, and who inspired my bedtime stroking from ages ten to eleven and a half.  Nostalgia.  Also he's six-fucking-seven!

Tyson Kidd, 5'9", 195#.  His hair is why Justin Gabriel does not have the stupidest hair in wrestling, but Kidd has an insouciant bad-boy look that Gabriel could only wish he had.

Sheamus, 6'6", 272#.  Pale freckled Irish skin takes bruising well.  Trust me on this.

Zack Ryder, 6'1", 214#.  Bad boy.  I am incapable of resisting.

1 comment:

  1. I have a lot to say on this matter especially since our companies offered IPO's the same day.

    But I will keep it brief.

    Not enough old school trunks and boots with white soles.

    Martha Stewart



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