Battle Bang 3
I taught the first session of college summer classes to earn some extra pocket money. It's all gone now, thanks to my kinks and need for new clothes and skilled veterinary science for a beloved dog in his mid-teens, so don't expect this to be a continuing feature. This week I intend to post some capsule reviews of two or three of my purchases. I don't do thumbs-down reviews, so it's arguable that I don't actually review anything. What I dislike, I don't finish watching, so there's nothing to say. Rather I point out what moves me in the stuff I like, and if you sense a corresponding taste, take my enthusiasm as a recommendation ... if you care to.
Battle Bang 3: Juicy Jugs, The Erotic Network VOD (Available on DVD)
If you love Johnny Castle, 5'11", 195#, and aren't repulsed by heterosexuality (it has its charms at a distance), this one might work for you too. I'd heard of the series--"real cage fighting for poontang!"--straight male porn stars duke it out for a chance to boff an awesome porn chick--sort of Naked Kombat for straights. The victor does not do the loser but rather a female surrogate, and the loser gets "pussy punishment"--a wobbly fuck with a bossy fat chick. The raw combination of sex and violence intrigued me, but when a buddy told me Johnny Castle fought in BB3, I was totally onboard. The production is polished--what a merger of Spike TV and Larry Flynt would look like: a perky host, pre-fight interviews, a legit steel cage, video scoreboard, and porn studs who know a thing or two about fighting. Castle looks great--in peak condition, scowl and haircut beautifully in place. There are two fight rounds--grappling, then kickboxing. Spoilers: Castle is a fine grappler, and the first round ends 2-2. But as a boxer, not so much. He gets his ass pwned in the second round. The result is some minor swelling under his eyebrows, a look that's just flat-out stunning on Castle. The fight sequences consist of two 3-minute rounds, but they are not bad, just work fast with the lube and kleenex because the girls show up in no time flat. But if you don't mind pretending you're a fat girl with a shaved pussy, Castle is totally fit for fucking, and, as he puts it, sweetly and rather gallantly, "The bang was better than the battle."
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ReplyDeleteI was intrigued when I first heard about this. There are, after all, as Johnny proves, some really hot straight porn actors (though how anyone could watch anything with Ron Jeremy in it is a mystery of cosmic proportions). I thought that seeing a roster and some grappling shots might make it worthwhile. But most of the roster they showed was the women with a few tantalizing men and most of the actions shots was of the sex. Bummer! Still, it's a viable and interesting idea for porn, though it has a shitty attitude about women. It could be a guilty pleasure if done right. Sort of like SGFTQE or SYTYCF.
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