Sunday, May 13, 2012

Double Stacked




"There's only two of you?" he asks. What a stud is Eli Black! Faced with the prospect of fighting two of UCW-Wrestling's freshest wrestlers, Joey Cantrell and Shane, he thinks the competition may not be tough enough for him. Oh my. This young man does have balls of iron. And at UCW he's going to need both of them. At the beginning of last month, Eli promised BodySlam to clean house at UCW, and BodySlam seems determined not to make it easy for him.

Some wrestling fans want to see a pretty boy in a thong get mauled, some fans want to see two boulder-size peroxide blonds bounce off each other in a coliseum, some want to see posing and glorified massage, and some want to see dudes fuck each other and call it wrestling. Me, I'm not here to tell you that I don't appreciate those things too, perhaps more than most. I'm just saying, Put three mean, skinny, fish-belly-white punks together on a wrestling mat and my nuts start to zing like a theremin.

For over a month now I've been wanting to see Eli Black go toe to toe with Joey Cantrell, UCW's most promising new bad boy. Wanting it so bad I could almost taste it. I didn't bank on the ten extra toes Shane brings to the mix. I don't know anything about Shane. This may be his first match ever, for all I know. I can say he adds a little something to the fun, though.

Joey and Shane gang up on Eli, making sure Eli knows that his kind is not welcome on the UCW mats. This is the sort of testosterone-charged grunge grappling we have come to expect of UCW, and we would not be coming back here for anything less: gouging, gut stomping, ball twisting, strangling, hair yanking, and welt-raising spankings.

Eli was pretty much everywhere in April, and I, for one, did not mind one bit. He is one of the most exciting talents to hit the underworld wrestling scene in years: unruly, cocky, disrespectful, hot-tempered, loud, and mean as the devil with a gnat up his butt. Not least of all, the man can fight and raise hell like nobody else I've seen.

And did I say "fun" earlier? What could be more fun than for you and your buddy to give a disrespectful bigmouth like Eli Black a good trouncing? Joey and Shane let us all in on the excitement, and once again the mobile camerawork at UCW thrusts us right into the middle of the mayhem. We hear every smack, and every time a nard gets poked, your knees involuntarily snap shut, you can depend on it. Joey and Shane can barely keep the smiles off their faces as they chop Eli down to size and stomp him until he's just a sweat smudge on the mat. But even though I might wish for nothing more than to hop right in there with them for all the grunting, pounding fun they're having, I have only seven words for Mister Cantrell and friend:

YUCK IT UP WHILE YOU CAN, DOUCHEBAGS!



Images edited on request (17 Feb. 2014)

2 comments:

  1. the pics, great as they are, betray what actually occurred, Eli spent most of the 42 minutes getting his pretty butt kicked, this was a good fight and i am looking forward to the possibility that Eli dominates underworld wrestling in the months to come.

    Bard might just have to award a third crown to this boy wonder.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There is something about these ubiquitous wrestlers that really bothers me. Eli Black, Cameron Matthews, Rio Garza, Z-Man, Austin and Jake and so on. As much as I like to see them wrestle, I don't really want to see them everywhere, all the time. There are so many other wrestlers out there who've only been given a couple of shot, yet we keep seeing the same few guys appearing in these videos and sites (some of which has turned into a marketing blog for these companies it seemed). Maybe it's just me who's feel this way.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...