Nice Mean Dirty Violent

Here's the question: Who among UCW-Wrestling's hardy band of roughnecks has the moves and cojones to take down Eli Black? So far Eli has made short work of Xanjey, Shane, and Joey, but if anyone around here is going to kick Eli's ass, it's going to have to be one of the company's old guard, guys well known for crippling holds, low blows, and fearlessness. My money is on Joker. Sure, he's mainly remembered for his steady stream of near-incomprehensible trash talk, but if you think Joker's nothing but mouth, you have not been paying attention. As I see it, Joker has the speed (of body and mind) to take Eli in a fair fight and the heart to do whatever it takes to nip Eli's winning streak in the bud, by fair means or foul.

This past weekend saw the release of one of UCW's most feverishly anticipated matches: wild man Joker versus elite assassin Eli Black [#215]. Before the bell sounds, BodySlam tells the fighters that he wants "a nice, mean, dirty, violent match," and that's exactly what we get. To sweeten the pot, it's a knockout or 10-count only match--no three-count pins, no submissions. Matched in size, mat skills, and determination, Eli and Joker all but tear the mat room apart. Joker's put on some weight, but he still moves with catlike speed and grace. The extra pounds might even prove an advantage up against Eli's stripped-down and insanely chiseled physique. Eli is right at home with this kind of match. His MMA training and experience have prepared him to go for the kill, and stepping onto the mat, he looks supremely confident in his ability not just to lay Joker out but quite possibly to end his career.

Let's not get sentimental here. The world would be a better place without either one of these badasses. Pitting them against each other is a sane, expedient, and (needless to say) highly entertaining means of reducing the sadistic punk population by one. What we have here is a captivating contrast in combat styles. Eli exudes swagger and aloofness as he blithely shadowboxes the air between him and his opponent, expressing no curiosity about who Joker is and taking a purely scientific interest in crippling the man. Ice water runs through his veins. Joker, on the other hand, is a hotheaded maniac, with about as much self-control as a cyclone. He has no regard for his own personal safety, so no means of inflicting injury on Eli is too extreme for him. With reptile deviousness, he starts the match by attacking Eli from behind. So, yeah, as I said, my money's on Joker.

This is a merciless give-and-take match, with Joker dominating a good three quarters of it. The wrestlers take an instinctive and immediate dislike to each other. Joker resents all the attention Eli's been getting since his debut a few months ago. He suspects Eli is stealing his moves as well as biting into his fan base. Eli resents having to fight an inferior hack like Joker. So far he hasn't been impressed with the competition at UCW, and he sees nothing in Joker to be concerned about. (Eli's got a lot to learn and not much time to learn it.) Before you know it, balls are getting smashed and fingers getting splayed and twisted. At one point Eli knocks Joker off the mat, not just off the mat but out of the frigging room. Then he exits for two seconds, enough time for perhaps a quick unseen slug to the chin before dragging Joker back to the mat by his toes. The thirty-minute match is intense and exhausting, and it's not over till one of these guys is knocked senseless, face down and drooling on the mat. UCW is on a roll these days, pushing out must-see hit after hit. This little beauty is not a fight you want to miss.

Images edited on request (17 Feb. 2014)