Too Cute to Live

Though remembered mainly for its working-class roughnecks and hardcore social outcasts, now and then UCW-Wrestling seems to find its wrestlers at the Hello Kitty department at Macy's. But if you think Axel, Aron, Hannigan, and Marino are unbearably darling, wait till you get a load of the new kid, Johnny Deep, whose bright Stevia smile irresistibly brings to mind puppies dressed up in bumblebee pajamas. 

BodySlam introduces the high-school senior, drawing our attention (as if he needed to) to the rookie's rubber-band-size blue trunks. Immediately, Johnny flashes his oh-my-gawd-so-adorable smile and states the obvious: "I know I'm pretty sexy in it." BodySlam calls in Eli Black, tasked with breaking the newcomer in, an assignment he pursues first by razzing the recruit about his name. The stage is set for a classic babyface beatdown. Eli pushes Johnny to the wall and proceeds to drive his fists mercilessly to the kid's heart, abs, and chin.

But Deep is tougher than you'd expect. Three minutes into his ritual humiliation, as grueling and intense as we've seen Eli dish up on anybody, the kid tears himself loose from Eli's crushing headlock and reverses, leading Eli to revise his first impression of the newcomer. "So I see you know some shit, eh?" he says with newfound respect. "Yeah," Johnny replies flatly and rams his knee to Eli's gut, driving him back to the wall, where Deep rocks Black to his core with a series of blows to the jaw, ribs, and, ultimately, balls. Seven minutes into the fight and already it looks like Johnny Deep's gonna fit in at UCW just fine!

So besides being young, Disney cute, and sexy as fuck, Deep knows how to fight! Against all expectations, the next thirty minutes roll out give-and-take lumps we'd expect from a couple of seasoned pros. Eli doesn't make it easy for Jonny to look good, and Johnny repays the favor. This doll-baby has got a streak of sadism a mile wide and proves more of a challenge for Eli than anybody might have expected. But Eli's the man here, suffering through ten savage minutes of murderous abuse before finding the breathing space to turn the tables back on the rookie and give him the comeuppance that by now he's come so richly to deserve.

The truth is that I would have recommended this match on the weight of Johnny's trunks alone, but he and Eli exhibit the kind of destructive aggression that makes my toes curl up, climaxing with a crotch-to-face pinfall that may well burn holes in your socks, too.