Saturday, June 22, 2013

Finger Lickin' Mean

Here, in no particular order, are six of my favorite moments from UCW-Wrestling release number 288:

(1)  Quinn Harper plugs his saliva-moistened thumb up Pippin's bare ass and then wiggles it under the moaning kid's nose. "Smell this!" he says. "Oh, yeah! It's you!"

(2)  Death rattles are always a good bang for your entertainment dollar. Expect some sandpapery ones as Pippin head-scissors Quinn about midway through the match. It's quality salesmanship from Quinn the whole way.

(3)  Quinn literally mops the floor with Pippin's face. Literally. Holding him face down in a full nelson, Quinn flattens the cutie-pie's nose and lips to the mat and scrubs them back and forth. You can almost hear the clean squeak of flesh on vinyl.

(4)  Pippin flips a figure-four leglock and cranks a surprise submission out of Quinn. Then he shoves the badass to the corner for some knee jabs before plopping him down for a surfboard that could bring a tear of joy to Jushin Liger's eye.

(5)  Pippin attaches a puppy-training leash to Quinn's nipple ring and drags him screaming around the mat by it. I am telling you that Pip's plush toy cuteness is deceptive. Behind the cuddly baby fat and Sunday School smiles lies a sadist's black heart. But guess who gets a butt-flossing with that same leash a minute later?

(6)  Quinn moves from a figure four and camel clutch combination--note: Quinn is the master of murderous figure fours--to hook his fingers into the corners of Pippin's mouth and stretch it painfully wide, Sardonicus wide, Muppet wide, South Park Canadian wide. Then goes totally Miss Piggy on the boy's nostrils! And then, to add insult to injury, he ignores what possibly was a submission and works Pippin's jaws like a puppet's and ventriloquizes "Give me more! Give me more!"

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