Monday, January 27, 2014

Dinosaur vs Iceberg










Perhaps in celebration of Quinn Harper's birthday (today), UCW-Wrestling released a new "Mighty Quinn" match just ahead of the weekend, in which Quinn takes on Isaiah ("Ice") Burg, whose first match late last summer is memorable because the usually so-nice Axel not only treated the rookie like dog shit but then later, when Burg put up more fight than originally expected, took a big old bite out of the man's foot! If don't-be-a-bully Axel treated Burg in this degrading manner, what sort of disrespect can "Ice" expect from Quinn, whose malevolence famously knows no bounds? (I have watched the entire video and can attest to the fact that Quinn finds a way to go Axel's humiliating insult one or two steps further. Oh my! Oh my!)

Quinn, like Eli before him, infuses every contest with balls-to-the-wall intensity and, like Joker before him, straightjacket-level insanity. A nice enough guy to chat with on the street, but put Quinn on a mat and he becomes this brilliant, zany cartoon bird that bounces his opponents around like they're made of flubber and then, at some point in the match, anally violates them with his freshly licked thumb--top that for a signature move, Stone Cold! Built compact and strong, Quinn knows his shit as a grappler and remains one of the most dependably entertaining (and boundary-pushing) talents on the UCW roster.

"I'm not an asshole like everybody seems to think I am," Quinn assures Isaiah, by way of introduction and with an overplayed composure that any psychologist worth his salt will tell you practically spells out C-R-A-Z-Y in billboard letters. "I'm a sportsman," he says. "It's what I do." He extends his hand like a diplomat greeting a visiting dignitary. Burg refuses his hand, saying, "With all due respect, I don't even belong in a ring with a dinosaur like you." You gotta hand it to the new guy: big balls, big balls, big balls. Harper respects that, no stranger to the idea of having a chip on the shoulder. He extends his hand again, urging him to accept the gesture if not out of respect for him personally, then "for the fans." Burg eyes the camera (us fans) and, with a skeptical shrug of the shoulders, says, "For the fans," and takes Quinn's hand. And (yep you guessed it) POW! a barefoot kick to the Ice Burg's cubes.

So begins a 28-minute match, as cheap, dirty, low-class, and vulgar as any UCW fan could hope for. The "dinosaur" chips away at Ice's ego with an orchestrated assault that includes camel clutches, chokes, ear-biting (you heard me), stomps, chicken-wings, and nelsons, all squeezed into three minutes. And then Burg strikes back. He works Harper over for a minute, but Quinn is quick to reassert his dominance, obviously rankled over the earlier "old man" crack. Burg gets three more minutes of Harper's undivided attention (and a finger bitten too).

As in his first match against Axel, Isaiah proves he's got the spinach to make quick and stunning comebacks from seemingly impossible binds. The guy is dynamite, and although obviously UCW is going to make him pay his dues before anybody lets this guy take the limelight, it seems fairly clear that, when the time is right, Burg has the heart and the nasty edge needed to steal that spot for himself. Whether he's got the level of crazy and/or charm that makes for UCW stardom remains to be seen. He's bigger than the typical UCW wrestler, but the company now has some bigger men under contract (young guys like Billy Gunn and CJ Devastation) who in the coming months might make tasty competition for this self-assured newcomer.

In the meantime, happy birthday, Mighty Quinn--and leave some Ice Burg so the rest of the gang can have some too.

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