Thursday, March 6, 2014

Yes / Um, Not So Much 3


Here I am again exploring the wacky world of things in wrestling that turn me on--and things that are, well, meh--fine enough if you like that sort of thing, just not for me. I understand chacun à son goût and all that, and wholeheartedly approve of others' pursuits of whatever gets their particular rocks off, but, self-absorbed man/only-child/Aries/German-American that I am, the only goût I care about is mine. Feel free to carp, cavil, and criticize, though, because that's why Blogger made a "comments" box.  


YES!

The claw, because even though I know it's one of the most kayfabe "holds" in the business, it accomplishes three things of importance to me: (1) it gets the two fighters up close to each other (and I mean rightthereontopofeachother-close), (2) it gives the victim space to thrash around, flailing, screaming, flesh wobbling, muscles flexing like all get out, and (3) invariably, the aggressor gets this grim, super-macho look on his face, hot as steamin' jockstraps, which is invariably what totally sells it.

UM, NOT SO MUCH

The chop (and, yeah, save the hate for somebody who gives a rat's ass), because it's too damn quick and it typically keeps the opponents apart from each other. I do not myself despise gut-punching, bitch-slapping, or blows of any kind; all I'm saying is usually it doesn't make me go bang, all the worse when it constitutes more than a thirtieth of the total match time. I get that it's snappy, and butch, and sometimes real, thus impressive that the recipient can take such a stiff blow without ... like ... dying. I buy into it (I might  even say "love" it) as a provocation that gets the wrestlers so steamed up that they've got no other choice but to knit their arms and legs together and squeeeeeze.


YES!

The crab, because it gets crotch up against bum, because it gets feet up into armpits, because it smashes the victim's face to the mat. It looks like both sex and torture at the same time, so, sick fuck that I am, it almost never fails to rev me up. I like it best when the victim is sturdy enough to take it long time and the victor holds his O-face on pause for thirty seconds or more.

UM, NOT SO MUCH

The surfboard, because, like a lot of other popular pro-wrestling holds it looks like something I'd expect to see at Silver Springs, but on skis, and it looks like nothing I'd expect to see when two dudes are wrestling in the basement. The surfboard is one of those wrestling holds that exist because somebody came up with the name first. For me, it works mostly because of the name. I dig surfers. Again, it's not a move that I absolutely despise, but it's one that more than likely will encourage me to fast-forward through to the next move.


YES!

This, whatever the fuck it is, because, even though it looks like a synchronized swimming move gone horribly awry, it busts my rocks. Perhaps you're getting the idea that there's no clear rhyme or reason to what I like in wrestling. If so, I congratulate you on your sagacity. I think I like it because it's something Kid Karisma does. If that's not enough of a reason, I'd have to say the triangularity of it somehow appeals to my love of symmetry. The knee-to-the-buttocks thing works for me, too.

UM, NOT SO MUCH

Arm-wrestling challenges and, I'd have to say also, arm-wrestling in general, because, even though a great biceps and triceps combination makes me drool like a bulldog, arm-wrestling looks like a test of strength designed expressly to steer clear of the main erogenous zones of the male body. Okay, fingers. It involves fingers, I'll grant you, but the arm-wrestling grip does not involve the intertwining of the fingers, which (I don't like to complain) was a big oversight on the part of the inventor of this contest.


6 comments:

  1. Okay, for some reason I had this weird idea that I was the only person who would fast forward over certain holds or whatever to get to the ones I like best, and I always felt a little guilty doing it, thinking I should be watching it just straight through, like I thought everyone else would. So...good. (Why would I have even thought that?) And also, "This, whatever the fuck it is" made me laugh. And mostly I agree with what you said--I know you're not necessarily looking for agreement, but as Castor Oyl said in one of my favorite movies, "No one can stop me from agreeing with you if I want to."

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    1. I feel a bit guilty about fast-forwarding too, but not so much that I've stopped doing it. I, too, like Disney's/Robert Altman's/Robin Williams' POPEYE, an underrated little gem, whose only flaw, in my opinion, is a weak ending. Sweet songs by Nilsson, too.

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  2. Haha, I laughed at "whatever the fuck it is" too. I really wish I could find a youtube video of this in action

    Am sad you don't like the chop, but I guess that's what makes us different and/or not destined to be soul mates lol. I loved seeing Chris Benoit rear up his hand for a nice sounding slap across his opponent's chest, and loved it even more if the opponent could return it as equally on his meaty pecs

    I thought I would like the surfboard, and I do sometimes, but usually I don't like how it stretches even the most defined pecs and abs to be flat, so I agree

    I thought arm wrestling would be hot too, but it's definitely just one of those things in theory. Pretty boring in actuality.

    Hmm, I coulda sworn you had a post where you weren't a fan of the pec claw. I probably mistook you for someone else, maybe on another site, or in somone else's comments. (Ok, in looking back, it was nipple-twisting you didn't like that I got confused for the pec claw)

    Some future topics I'm curious about your opinion on: low blows, atomic busters (or any groin blow like a stomp), unevenly matched opponents (huge guy vs. small), guys not in traditional trunks/tights (tuxedoes, "monsters"), arms tied up by ropes, being whipped outside to knock over steps into the ring

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    1. I'm not saying I "don't like" the "um, not so much" things in every instance. Mostly, it's a question of whether it turns me on. Stiff chops are dramatic, and in that sense often exciting (except for when they're just filler, the wrestlers unable to come up with a wrestling hold to use), but for all the theater of punching and chopping, they don't really affect me "down there." A notable exception is the corner 10-count, when the punisher is on top of his man, pressing down on him as he punches--or any punches that occur while holding a man down with one's own body. And thanks for the list of topics: some things for me to think about and get back with you on.

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    2. So interesting how everyone's different. The 10-count punisher is only arousing to me if the wrestlers are hot, else I can't suspend disbelief that the punishee can just push the punisher off. For me, I think part of the hotness of the chopping is you can clearly see the facial reaction of a hard chop, especially a nice big gasping open mouth. And the vulnerable clutching and inward flexing of a nice rack of pecs

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  3. I kinda agree on the arm-wrestling challenges. I'm not really a fan of them but I do like it when its used to ignite or fuel some rivalry or to hurt the opponent's ego.

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