Get Up!

I could hate myself for this, or I could just say, "What the fuck." But I do love a match between a butch muscle boy and a preening, long-haired girly-man, especially (and here's the bad part) when the macho guy is thoroughly kicking the panty-wearing wuss's butt. Yeah, it's another episode of Joe the Sub-par Gay. Case in point is this March 22nd battle for Reno Wrestle Factory (watch it here on YouTube) between 6'-230# Brian Cage ("The F'n Machine") and 6'2"-235# "Golden Boy" Dylan Drake.

Dylan enters first, in a long glimmery robe, trimmed in ostrich feathers, Gorgeous-George-era fabulosity I'd sell a right toe to have hanging in my wardrobe. The crowd naturally loathes him, and he luxuriates in their hatred, thumbing his nose at the dirty lowlife proles. Then in comes Brian, with his Wolverine styling and a torso that's one-half powerlifter and one-half steamroller. The crowd loves him, and so do I.

Golden Boy spends the first minute of the match trying to avoid contact with the Machine. But he can't run forever, and Brian looks like he's chomping at the bit to get his hands on the tinselly blond. When they do connect, surprisingly it's Goldilocks who takes charge, headlocking rugged Brian for a swift, stiff knuckle-punch to the forehead, out of sight of the ref. He rams Brian into the corner for a couple of kicks to the man's wrecking-ball abs. Then he points to his head, boasting to anyone who's listening that he's got "muscle where it counts."

But a badly timed Irish whip to the opposite corner puts the arrogant cry-baby at the bouncy end of Brian's snapmare, and suddenly his left arm is in a whole lot of hurt. Still he manages to wrestle his opponent back into the ropes, where he turns the fight back to his advantage. Briefly. Brian gets him back with one of the smoothest, prettiest monkey flips I've seen in a while. Then a chicken wing that the Machine cranks tighter and tighter, with that combination thrust and grunt that always reminds me of good times at the Red Roof Inn.

This is not the one-sided beatdown I know some of you enjoy. Dylan and Brian divide the agony evenly between them, with more close two-counts than you can shake your stick at. Naturally, it's the long-haired heel who pulls the more hair. (He gets his, too, I'm happy to report.) And it's the squarely built hero who, right at the moment we're all ready to count him out, rebounds with a slug to the heel's cushiony midsection, followed with a piledriver to the hardwood floor. Then he drags the dirty blond back for some closeup roughing up under the bright lights at ringside. Sweeet.

This prompts the sissy boy to climb on top of Cage for some not-strictly-legal strangulation. The more desperate the two opponents become, the juicier the violence. Brian powers his way out of some impossible holds. By the midpoint of this 30-minute nailbiter, both are covered with a sweaty sheen, already close to exhaustion, which is the point in any match, if it gets that far, that never fails to rev me up.

The single handheld camera is not always perfectly positioned, and we get a lot of shots of the referee's back pocket, but when the camera angle is right, it's tasty, thanks mostly to Cage's smoldering physique. The sixth screen grab above gives a glimpse of what appear to me to be the tatters of a snapped g-string Brian was wearing under his trunks, now dangling loose down his right thigh. If it is what I think it is, it testifies to the thoroughness of Dylan's assault on him. I'm not sure that what we see is what I think it is, but if it is, "Well done, Golden Boy!"

They don't make enough matches like this one, as far as I'm concerned. It boils down to a knee-to-knee slugfest. I can't say whether you'll like the outcome, and I won't say whether I did because I suspect that bit of information might give it all away and spoil the surprise for you. Once again, my hat's off to our friend Eli Jav for pointing me to yet another exhilarating fight, the kind that, right when I think I'm over pro wrestling, gets me by the short and curlies and won't let go.


  1. Haha, I would love to chat more with your other readers who enjoy one-sided beatdowns, especially on the more muscular guy. I enjoyed the opposite moments more of this match than you did

    1. I'm an admitted oddball, Eli. As surprised as I was when I started this blog that there were so many other gay men who love wrestling, I eventually came to be equally surprised by how many of them love wrestling for reasons opposite to mine. Maybe that means I'm bi. I prefer to think it means I'm just superior. Haha.


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