Anybody up for watching a blond, blue-eyed teen with an adorably crooked nose get his ass kicked by a gay porn star? Often I am. The teen and Randy real-wrestle for 15 minutes, totally ignoring the ring ropes. No matter how startlingly beautiful his opponents are, Page is always the one my eyes are on. He's good looking, sure, but his charisma hangs on his grappling skills and unflappable commitment to the task of winning. Once Randy gets Thomas down on the mat, it looks like it's probably over for the kid. Page has him so tied up he has no wiggle room. A good hold is as good as a 300-pound straitjacket. Escape is impossible. After giving the rookie ample time to consider his own helplessness, Randy releases him so the match can continue. Randy is hampered by a minor foot injury, but he fights over and through it to lock up the freckled blond again and again. Happily the BG cameraman knows when to zoom in for tight shots of ass and crotch-bumping-crotch upheavals. The mic picks up every grunt, huff, and screech of skin against rubber. A high point gives us Randy muffling Thomas with his crotch while Thomas's black-and-white Speedo rides up his butt cheeks. Magnum gets feistier as the match wears on and Page slows down, which the teen misinterprets as vulnerability. But Randy is an anvil. Feistiness doesn't faze him.
Eli Black vs Nick Diesel, 268 (UCW)
I've enjoyed too many UCW matches to name an all-time favorite, but I will say that Eli's run-in with Nick three years ago is a contender. It's one of those matches you don't see anywhere but UCW and not often even there: a skull-crackin' head-butt between two well-matched, skilled fighters who, because of whatever deep-seeded childhood trauma, are driven to take competitiveness to extremes, mano a mano. I don't care how adolescent it sounds, there is something thrilling about a man who wants to find out whether he can make another man cry, using nothing but muscle and bare knuckles. Nick and Eli have no use for the rule book. If they wanted to play nice and proper, they would have taken up fencing. Give each of them some credit for brutalizing only a freely consenting opponent. The hard part about watching this fight is I rather like both these guys personally. I'd like either one of them to wipe the mat with the other, but I can't stand the thought of either one of them getting used like a squeegee. One of them gets it, all right ... and it's not pretty. But it damn sure is hot.
Swage vs Lance Jeffers, Wanna Wrestle 10 (NHB-Battle)
Swage looks other-worldly to me. In physique and attitude, he is like no other wrestler on NHB-Battle's old roster. I want to say he's the Ziggy Stardust of submission wrestling, but Ziggy makes people think of androgyny, and if anything Swage looks like one humongous cock from the planet Penis, especially with his head shaved as in this match against Lance Jeffers. Lance is a great antagonist for the starman; earthy, hairy-chested, regular-guy-ish, a fine contrast and a terrific grappler. Like everything at NHB and (now) Movimus, this is real wrestling, but that hasn't stopped me from fabricating a sort of submerged narrative for the contest. In my imagination, as I play this one out over and over and over, Lance is a rodeo cowboy called in by NASA to subdue and tame this captive Penisian, Swage. It's hard-going from beginning to end. Swage doesn't want to be broken and enslaved like some earthling pet, and the more Jeffers rides him, the more sympathetic he becomes to the alien's situation, while at the same time more determined to rise to the challenge. Okay, I didn't claim it was a great story--or a plausible one--over years of periodic viewings it just has kind of shaped itself into being. The match is a Webster's definition of hotness.