Black Is the New Black
Eli Black vs Kevin Lin, #475 (UCW)
I expected good things of this match and I got them. Kevin Lin is a rising star at UCW, in many ways cut from the same cloth as crowd favorites like Aron, Hannigan, and Marino, wrestlers whose inarticulate reticence draws my sympathy--like gentle woodland creatures these guys--but who can also take care of themselves in a fight. Like these others, Lin is incredibly resilient and tolerant of pain, pretty much a requisite for anybody stepping onto the UCW mat, especially against Black.
Now that he's added a couple hundred bucks to his haircut budget, you might think Eli Black is a changed man, but he's still the master of casual sadism and punk arrogance he's always been. Few wrestlers have Black's instincts for playing with pain, like playing with finger paints or Legos. Nobody can make 'em squirm like Eli. I keep half-hoping some stud will step up and tear this jerk a new asshole, but he's so damn good at what he does that I find myself cheering for him, against all reason and morality.
In the prematch let's-get-acquainted moment, Black exhibits his inability to hold his tongue or to filter ideas from a steady stream of seismic brain farts.
"Your body looks way too long ... and the ... roundness of it. You're like a tree, but you're not wide. You're like a really skinny tree. What's a skinny tree? A palm tree, right? A palm tree's a really skinny thing. That's what you--you look like a palm tree. I mean your hair does match it. You're kinda like Axel, but your head's not as coconut-y as his. Uh-h-h. And you're Asian. And Axel, I think, is white. So there's another difference. But, dude, your body is really weird."The riff is entertaining in a manic sort of way, and in Eli's hands, it's free-form smack, with a touch of poetry to it.
Lin suggests a posedown in the center of the circle. Though strikingly different, both bodies look humpable, and while Kevin stretches upward--"like a palm tree"--Eli sneaks in from behind and slams his forearm up Lin's thighs, smashing the balls. Typical UCW. Typical Eli Black.
The action features arm bars, punches, clutches, stretches, backbreakers, surfboards, racks, piledrivers, wedgies, kicks, shoves, scissors, crabs, figure-fours, body slams, even a little arm wrestling and hair pulling too--pretty much the typical UCW dim sum (as in "every form of abuse a body can take ... and dim sum"). The end comes with a volley of knuckle blasts and a lazy man's version of a piledriver that nevertheless does the trick, ensuring that one of these wrestlers is coldly, completely, satisfyingly, brutally knocked the fuck out.