Cocked and Loaded

Jonny Firestorm vs Calvin Haynes, Hunkbash 18 (BG East)

Jonny is the only wrestler who fights big-vs-little matches I consistently enjoy. He may be forty pounds lighter than Calvin, his latest challenger, and four inches shorter, but Jonny's small, hairy, sweat-soaked frame conceals a super heavyweight, and I'm not talking about his legendary cock, though that cock, never actually displayed, takes center stage in the climactic event of Hunkbash 18. He gives Calvin a peek at it, pre-match while they're impressing each other with their muscles. What I am talking about is Jonny's fight, which is, bar none, the biggest and baddest on the BG East roster. His stature as a fighter is at least equal and quite possibly superior to Guido Genatto and Brute Baynard, whom he stood toe to toe to toe with in BGE's  3-Way Thrash 4, a couple of months ago.

A lot of heels have a bag of tricks. Jonny has an XXL tote bag of tricks, both legal and dirty. His knowledge of wrestling maneuvers and submission holds is staggering (quite literally so for his opponents). The catalog description asserts:

Jonny executes 24 or 26 holds in this 33-minute match, depending on how you want to categorize iron claws and piledrivers, ... seven distinct holds in ... the first eight minutes alone! .... not counting the myriad pro assault moves: punches, kicks, stomps, slaps, elbow drops, ball and/or crotch grabs, pec-twisting, and hair- and trunk-pulling. 

It's his ability to turn his body into a weapon that makes him such a threat in the squared circle. A Makarov pistol may be small, but it's deadlier than the biggest billy club you can find. And if his arsenal of crippling holds doesn't get the job done, Jonny has no qualms about biting his way out of a fix, as he demonstrates while escaping Calvin's seemingly inescapable chinlock.

Not only is Jonny's cock the running theme of this fight, but Jonny targets Calvin's member for special abuse. In one standout spot, Jonny binds his muscular opponent to the ropes, puts the guy's stripped-off trunks over his face, and targets his punches to the full and bulging pouch of Haynes's jockstrap. Jonny is merciless in his assault on his opponent, apparently for no better reason than that Calvin has bigger biceps. On the whole, "hunkbash" is descriptive of what happens in Firestorm vs Haynes, but that doesn't mean Calvin fails to hold up his half of the action. Calvin is strongly impressive, too, and the shock, of course, is that the fight is as even a contest as it is.


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