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Tyson the Hammer vs Kelvin Thunder, Match 548 (UCW)

Here's a matchup for fans of David-and-Goliath matches, with Tyson the Hammer, tallest wrestler on the UCW roster, taking on new guy Kelvin Thunder, who appears to be roughly two-thirds the size and weight of the Hammer. Axel presents himself as Kelvin's coach, sitting at the edge of the mat to offer advice and encouragement, though of the two competitors Kelvin's the one with high-school wrestling experience. Tyson's the one with UCW experience, however, and as any fan knows, UCW wrestling is nothing like high school, except that both can be hell.

I'm not a fan of big-little wrestling angles. The angle does sometimes work, when the little guy's muscle and ferocity convincingly overcome a big guy who is out of shape and not very bright. Too often it's just a lame-o sight gag. Typically the angle tanks in the match's first two minutes because the size difference is all the match has going for it: if the big guy wins, the outcome is too obvious, and if the small guy wins, the outcome is either too much of a stretch or, as in the bible story, the result of the small guy's use of a weapon or other illegal asset.

Nothing is illegal  at UCW. UCW wrestlers can go for the balls. The trouble is, for Kelvin, all  UCW wrestlers go for the balls, even Tyson, so the tactic gives nobody an edge (except for females - if they were so inclined, females could rule UCW, being impervious to the handful - heh, heh - of dirty tactics its fighters rely on). In Tyson vs Kelvin, we also get bear hugs, crab holds, choking, nipple-crushing, leg bars, gut punches, bow-and-arrow stretches, and a fireman's carry, but most of all we get jock straps. Jock straps save this match for me, offering panoramic views of some of the best ass ever to grace the UCW mats, along with Tyson's epic pecs, too.


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