My Kind of Man Crush

Vinny vs Slash, Custom Video Series 57 (Thunder's Arena)

I keep reminding myself to breathe. CVS57 makes me lightheaded for all its 21 minutes, and most of the blame falls on Vinny for being so goddamned hot. He's two parts Marlboro Man, one part Tom of Finland biker, with a twist of Randy Orton. Vinny couldn't exude more manliness if he were a six-foot-five penis. Thankfully, there's Slash to keep him humble for part of the time, but Slash has his work cut out for him.

Despite differences in size and physique, Slash and Vinny balance each other out rather well, surprisingly well. I was expecting an unrelenting squash job, and I was pleased to find the match consisted of give and take, with each man taking turns as top dog. Again, Slash has his work cut out for him, but he's a sturdy guy, unlikely to crack under pressure, and strong enough to heave big Vinny up onto one shoulder and then slam him to the canvas, as he does about seven minutes into the video.

Yet, truth be told, Vinny's in control for 62% of the match. He may resent having to share the spotlight with Slash, but Vinny gets more than his fair share of supremacy, with time left over for some lip-smacking muscle poses, too. And again, as he did in his fight with Scrappy, Vinny evokes my idea of the masculine sublime like nobody else I can think of. It's as if his pheromones waft through the monitor of my laptop. Those pheromones, though - they knock me out.

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