Hardwood

Nero Angelo vs Donny Hardwood, Match 570 (UCW)

There's Nero, looking hot and hungry, and then there's this new Jesus-y guy Donny, who's about 100 pounds lighter. Nero reminisces about his last oil match, where his opponent was "more meaty and substantial," he says - I think he means Tyson the Hammer, but he could mean just about anybody. He then admires (i.e. fondles) the new guy's silky abs and the snug pot-pie buttocks. Donny doesn't have a lot to say. Nero does most of the talking. Nothing new there. They oil each other up, and Nero takes the rookie down onto the mat without noticeable resistance. Donny fights back (some) in the middle minutes of the match but with little consequence, given Nero's superior meatiness and substance.

There's an audience for this kind of mismatch, but I'm not altogether there yet. My preference is still for contestants who are matched in shape and fighting spirit, but distinct in their attitudes or values. As I see it, the new champion Angel Estrada should have broke the new kid in, and Nero could have tangled with Erik the Viking. Or if you want a skinny vs substantial match, throw Nero up against somebody scrappy like Eli Black again - Eli will give anybody of any size a run for his money. But as I said, there's an audience for this, too. For me it's at its best in the seven minutes of give and take that constitute the middle act. Sure, Donny is doomed, but I like seeing him put up a fight. Hardcore lovers of one-sided fights should enjoy this match, despite Donny's moments of resistance. I say let's see Hardwood riled up to kick his next opponent's butt, even if that opponent sends him home with his tail tucked between his legs.

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