Tyson the Hammer vs Max Ryder, Match 594 - Hump Match - Lost Video Collection (UCW)
My favorite UCW match of the year is now this lost (custom order) video, which takes full advantage of the company's disrepute to provide me (okay, to provide a lot of us) with its first and so far only "hump match," the sort of debased entertainment that will send all of us who watch it to hell forever. If Max and Tyson were not gay before they shot this singlets-to-straps match for some devil-possessed fan with deep pockets, they certainly are Kinsey sixes now.
Raw and nonconsensual as it is, the video stops short of an X rating and in some blissful and enlightened alternative universe (called the 1970s) might even be a PG-13. We might get away with calling it dry humping if it weren't for the profusion of sweat that Ryder provides. I was in seventh grade when a bedroom tussle (following a particularly scrappy Wild Wild West episode) turned unintentionally doggy on my pal and me and showed me what forever after I would crave most in life.
There are no refs, no rules, and Tyson and Max offer each other 33 minutes of stiff competition. Unexpectedly, it's Max who suggests the blueprint for the match, specifying that the first fighter to hump the other guy ten times will be declared the winner. This is just about the most genius idea I have ever heard! Making the game even more fun is that ultimately the winner humps the loser unconscious - that's right, it's a knockout match on top of everything else! Pinch me - am I dreaming all this? Please please, let there be a rematch and more hump matches in the future. I need to see Jayden Mayne dry-hump Chase Michaels to unconsciousness.
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