Big, Beautiful Buttkicking

Brute Baynard vs Biff Farrell, Big 'n' Beefy 7 (BG East)

Maybe BG East is reading my mind. Lately I've been craving the bang and boom of big beefy manflesh in the squared circle. This match, currently available to Own-To-Arena  and coming soon to DVD, pairs two of the company's most iconic strongmen. Biff is the squarely built all-American of my boyhood fantasies. He's like the lovechild of Roger Maris and the Michelin Man. Although sometimes he blows his top for no reason, as he did against Franco Vetti earlier this year, he is usually the archetypal BGE jobber, a commentary on post-hero America, it would seem. Brute is his opposite, as hard of heart as he is hard-headed. He's not even a heel in the conventional sense - more like a bomb. Evidently the company sets him loose on guys The Boss thinks are not pulling their weight.  Most recently, Van Skyler has felt the force of his temper, fortunately leaving the encounter a more aggressive wrestler than he was before.

The setup here is that Brute is giving Biff tips on how to showcase his muscle in bodybuilding competitions. Not the most patient of teachers, Brute quickly becomes frustrated with his pupil, who tries to give the big guy what he wants, but nothing Biff does pleases the man. Frustration soon makes the veins at Baynard's temples engorge. His face turns even redder than usual. He's spitting out his words, convinced that Biff doesn't have what it takes or, worse, that he just. will. not. listen. At an escalating pace, Brute's commands become more physical and violent. A proper heel would take some sadistic pleasure in working over a hunk like Biff. All Brute feels is the fireball exploding in his head - and poor Biff is standing too close to escape the singeing heat.

If ever there was a suffering Christ figure at BG East, it is Biff Farrell in this match. He doesn't lift a finger in his defense, much less raise a counter-offense. His deer-in-the-headlights look is heart-wrenching. Every cell in my body is silently urging him to fight back. But he just suffers and suffers and suffers. On the bright side, Farrell in pain is uniquely gorgeous. He is radiantly miserable. Farrell works him against the ring ropes, gags his mouth with a clipboard, and claws his face, and the punishments never stop. This may not exactly be wrestling, but it is captivating. Great performances, if that's even the right word, from both these guys. Victims of psychotic parents (or big brothers) and excessive corporal punishment may even find it all too much to bear.

The realism of Brute's rage and Biff's petrified response overwhelms me. It is beautiful in the way that Greek tragedy is beautiful - horrifying and exalting at once. Still, what would make this battle perfect is an additional eight minutes during which Farrell wrings Baynard's ass and hangs it out to dry. I think I can appreciate cruelty and senseless violence as much as the next guy, but my biggest turn-on, as I have written here too many times to count, is hard, sudden, swift, and deliciously excruciating comeuppance!

Visit BG East here.