Six Ways from Sunday










Austin Tyler vs Wolf Boy, Match 644  (UCW)

If Wolf Boy wants to relive high school with singlets and scholastic wrestling rules, I don't see why he stages the event in the UCW ring or books himself against an indie pro renowned for calmly and methodically brutalizing his opponents. Austin Tyler doesn't get it either, so I don't feel so dumb. In two minutes, Austin has Wolfie in the excruciating body lock seen in the top screen shot, and despite some retaliatory moves on Wolf Boy's part, Austin maintains control, owning rookie and match alike for most of the match's 27 minutes.

Wolfie escapes the hold and strikes back with a gut punch, which I'm fairly sure is a violation of NFHS rules. "I'll cradle you up six ways from Sunday," promises Tyler, already binding his opponent in a second way from Sunday. In this manner, one of the pro gods of underground wrestling proves adept at kicking ass varsity style, with Wolf Boy spending most of the time and all of his energy playing catch up.

In accordance with Wolf Boy's stated rules, whenever either wrestler touches the ropes, the pair must reset in the center of the ring, assuming the starting position that best matches the wrestlers' position when the action was interrupted. In most cases, this finds Wolfie on all fours. I'll say this much for the Boy, though: he's tenacious, his spirits unusually high in those fleeting seconds between writhing and grimacing in Tyler's strong grip. Nevertheless, all signs point to ignominious defeat. The singlet accentuates the  thickness of Austin's build, especially his powerful haunches. Against this body, Wolf Boy's typical head games are probably useless.

As the midpoint approaches, high school is the last thing on Wolf Boy's mind. He attacks Austin with his fists, pushing the strongman to the turnbuckle and pelting him with wild, uncontrolled punches. Austin rebounds as if he felt nothing at all and proceeds to twist and kick his opponent's adductor muscles with cruel efficiency. Desperate, Wolf Boy bites Austin's Achilles tendon. At this point, it's clear we're back in familiar territory, UCW's anything-goes anarchism.

"C'mon. Now we're having fun," Wolf Boy gloats cluelessly, dimly aware, if aware at all, of the retribution he's practically begging for. If anyone can exact the sort of punishment Wolfie seems to be inviting, it's Austin. Those shoulder and leg muscles are not just for show. And they land hard on Wolf Boy, merciless, meticulous, and miles away from the well-meaning high-school PE teacher who might have intervened.


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