At the Old Ball Game

Steve Mason vs Tyson the Hammer, Match 660 (UCW)

Here we have two handsome gents in the ring in a non-title, no-ref ball-battle, each determined to leave the other man childless. Tyson fights like everything depends on the outcome, which is how this champ always fights. In only his second UCW match, Steve struggles to make a name for himself by taking on the company's best and most popular wrestlers. (He debuted last month against former champ Axel.) One thing is certain: the loser of this contest will be a sore loser, extremely sore.

Neither wastes time getting to the low blows, a company staple. Tyson starts things off at full speed, pushing Steve to the ropes, biting him on the nipple, and then, well, basically, dry-humping him. I don't think Steve could have predicted any of that. He does, however, turn it around about 45 seconds later, resting his ass on Tyson's chest and wrenching the champ's junk back and forth and side to side like a joystick, then punching the lower abs as if he were born and raised at UCW.

Rising to his feet, Steve is too hesitant (or too gentlemanly - a reminder that he's really not from around here) to follow up while Tyson's still on the mat. Tyson repays the courtesy with a reverse AND upside-down bear hug, shaking Mason like he's shaking potatoes out of a burlap sack. Then, he drops him, stomps down on his belly, straddles him, and then twists both nipples like hot- and cold-water taps. Mason reverses but cannot sustain a hold on the Hammer, who doubles up on the ferocity (and lewdness) of his attacks.

Mason sells the agony brilliantly - maybe too brilliantly for his own good since his torments only inspire Tyson to new heights (or depths) of cruelty. And the rookie won't give up, withstanding Tyson's merciless beatings for the chance at repaying the pain blow for blow. And payback is a certainty in this match. The front half of this 32-minute dick-stomper is, especially considering the differences in experience, fast-paced give and take. In the back half, one guy asserts control, leading to a gasp-inducing ZPG climax at the ring post.

Visit UCW here.