Pin the Tail on the Cheetah

Axel vs Cheetah Boy, Match 731 - Hump Match (UCW)

"I'm ready for you this time," Cheetah Boy tells Axel, referring back to their earlier match (Cheetah's third at UCW), which was released in April. "You sure about that?" Axel asks, after kneeing the masked luchador in the chest without warning. Axel's point, as I see it, is you can never be too sure what UCW will throw at you from one match to the next. This is Cheetah Boy's eighth match, in a career that goes no further back than January. This is a hump match, and not even his first hump match.

You got to hand it to UCW for turning a summer-camp hazing into a party game. The object is to hump your opponent ten consecutive times. An interrupted hump (humptus interruptus) takes the assailant back down to zero. To win, you have to hold your man in place and drive your crotch into the nearest hole ten times in a row. Axel plays the game as well as anybody, except maybe Tyson the Hammer. (Hammer, think about it.)

Axel's schlong is a huge asset, as everybody knows by now, registered as a deadly weapon in fifteen states. Cheetah Boy's asset is the lightning speed of his attacks, but Axel gets the jump on the guy in the first seconds. With a few short (but notable) exceptions, Axel owns Cheetah's ass for the 26-minute match.

I am not the first to notice what a lovely ass it is, too. Cheetah was an instant superstar. Along with El Fuego and, only very recently, Lobo Gris, Cheetah Boy is bringing hot sauce to the UCW mats. Their wildboy antics are a logical extension of the legacies of crazies like Joker and Quinn Harper, only these guys are faces (well, under those masks), more heroic than maniacal. They fill the shoes of none other than Axel, previously the babyface of all babyfaces until he took a heel turn a while back.

Better light a candle for poor Cheetah Boy. He could use a miracle.

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