Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Everybody Hurts







Apart from a quick succession of collar-and-elbow lockups and minimal other wrestling, this three-way challenge from Thunders Arena is wall-to-wall bearhugs. I prefer more well-rounded matches with a variety of holds and a bit more sense of contest or drama, but if you must specialize in one and only one wrestling hold, you can't go far wrong with the bearhug, which you will find here in three sizes: small, medium, and large. Count me in because of the wrestlers on hand, Chase (small, 5'9", 190#), Viggo (medium, 5'11", 180#), and Dozer (large, 6', 225#). Each gets a chance to moan and writhe in the arms of the others, and the winner is the one to get four submissions via bearhug. The brisk 10-minute video is currently on tap at the company's membership site, ThunderTV.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The 14 Best Moves of UCW's Marcus Ares



I hope UCW offers Michael Hannigan medical leave and accident coverage. The ex-champ has been taking beatings since his debut against Twisted Torment two years ago, when he found out a walk in the park is no walk in the park. But Hannigan has proved more resilient than any of his attackers could ever imagine. As champ (a title he means to regain soon), he took on all comers, and gave the UCW belt it's longest and most rigorous defense.

Marcus Ares is the new guy and quite a sensation. He looks like a front runner for the belt, currently held by UCW founder BodySlam (see photo, above). Now adopting the garb of Bronze Age warriors, in Spartan kilt, cape, and cuffs or their Walmart equivalents, Ares also models the latest in heroic combat maneuvers, including ... 


 ... knee jabs, ...


 ... clutches, ...


 ... backbreakers, ...


 ... crabs, ...


 ... flying body slams, ...


 ... armbars (my personal favorite), ...


 ... scissors, ...


... gut punches (hand over the face, a nice refinement on the classic), ...


 ... firemen's carries (and drops), ...


 ... leglocks (perhaps second only to armbars, for me), ...


 ... hair pulling (another favorite), ...


 ... stretches, ...


... Antaeus-style crushings (read some mythology), and, naturally, ...


... Greek-style XXX bear hugs.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Psycho Shower Scene











Should I ever visit the Thunders Arena facilities, I have but one request: Please re-stage this soapy wet bathroom battle between Big Sexy and Z-Man ... and somehow find a way to thrust me into the middle of it.

Right now, this 22-minute novelty match is available only at Thunder TV, the Arena's members-only site. (Fourteen-day trial subscriptions are available to new members for $26.99.) This is a fun erotic match, cleverly played out over the sink, in the shower, and, for a Florida-style waterboarding climax, in the tub*.

Big Sexy and Z-Man are in tiptop form--both physically and comedically. As in many other bouts, a territorial dispute triggers the fight. Z-Man is trying to shave in Sexy's bathroom (so claims the Big S, anyway). Sexy sprays him with cat repellent because, he says, Z-Man looks like a pussy. In turn, Z-man thinks it's time for Sexy to shave off his Iron and Wine beard, promising him a trim and a doggy-wash as the bizarro battle escalates.

Shampoo bottles, pinecones, a stretch showerhose, shave gel, discarded gear, towels, and razors take turns as foreign objects used as makeshift weapons. The real treat is, of course, Z's and Sexy's massive and perfect bodies struggling in next to nothing in ultra-tight quarters ... and glistening wet. (I'm licking my lips.) It's tricky business, but the wrestlers (and cameraman) carry it off brilliantly, tackling all kinds of high-risk stunts we should probably not try at home. 

By the big and decisive finisher, I can almost smell the jojoba-oil seashell soaps wafting through my laptop screen. Sexy and Z put the hijinks into hygiene and manage to stay squeaky clean even while fighting one of the Arena's dirtiest (and hottest) fights. 


*Believe it or not, this is not the first time Z-Man has been attacked in the bathroom. In early 2012, Tyrell Tomsen attacked Z outside the shower in BG East's Wrestle Revenge, leading to an epic showdown between Tyrell and Dev Michaels. In 2013, UCW played a variation of this angle to wrap up the feud between Michael Hannigan and Twisted Torment. But the Let's-Wrestle-in-the-Shower scenario has never been as sexy and funny as THIS.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The 24-Minute Dash














Oh shit this is delicious! Rock Hard Wrestling's latest release opens with a trio of fleeting but indelible moments that start my ticker racing before the match even goes into full swing. First, it's Dash Decker's boot obliterating new wrestler Colt Stevens' pricey shades. Next, Dash slips his T-shirt free of his torso just seconds after flattening Colt and denuding him of his baggy shorts and T. But the boner moment for me is Decker circling the fallen rookie like a predatory cat ready to pounce (first photo, above).

Decker is edging past the competition as my favorite Rock Hard wrestler of all time. I mean, this is a body that kills! He entered my radar immediately with his debut, the fun and sexy beatdown of a shitfaced Josh Steel last spring. But with this match he enters the deepest, darkest recesses of my fantasy life. I used to be impressed. After this match, I am enamored. His rugged good looks, combined with his insatiable hunger for causing the new kid as much suffering and humiliation as he can squeeze into 24 minutes, is now permanently etched upon my wrestling kink.

And Colt! God, Colt! Colt ("I'm a model, not a wrestler!") plays no small part in putting Dash over in this bout. In his first RHW match, already this kid has the best "bully face" of anyone on the roster--that includes both the look of slack-jawed sadism that contorts his cherubic face when he's delivering a beating and the satisfyingly abashed look he displays when the beating is being delivered to him. He has a distinctly different expression to sell every permutation of suffering and triumph he experiences in this battle--and with shaggy blond curls that beg for pulling and full wet lips stretching wide to reveal viciously bared teeth, the punk is destined to have plenty more experiences like these.

The phrase "instant classic" is way overused, but this match is all over it! The violence escalates bump by bump to a sweat-soaked finisher that's burned into my retina. I'm looking through that image right now as I try to type. At this moment I feel like I wasn't even alive until I saw this fight! Hyperbole? Definitely--in a few hours I'll regret those words, I'm pretty sure, cautious rhetorician that I usually am--but right now the words don't seem half enough to express how jacked-up I am over this match.


Friday, September 26, 2014

Choke the Rookie







Wrestling Krush must be a master class in submission wrestling. Watching him wrestle might almost be as good, if only I could keep focussed on the strategy and not get caught up in the drama of heated competition. His latest match, out this weekend, finds Krush taking on Zack*, and like his rematch with Johnny O earlier this month, it benefits from Krushco's new video equipment, which provides a view of the action like we've never had before, up-close, unobstructed, and active. This time natural lighting warms up the colors and creates a more sensuous and cinematic tone, too.

But in addition to upgrading its technology, Krushco has obviously been on the lookout for tougher competition for its main man. The 27-year-old Brooklynite fits the bill. Zack seems a likable-enough guy, curly-haired, full-lipped, with dark intelligent eyes. In a brief prologue, he presents himself as a serious wrestler, reluctant to waste time with a lot of talk and ready to rumble. 

The first half of this 29-minute video looks familiar--Krush living up to his name and pretty much having his unencumbered way with his unsuspecting adversary--but halfway through this six-rounder Zack finds his groove, and for the last 15 minutes it's all furious give-and-take between the two fighters, veering into prostyle hijinks like hair-tugging, punching, and choking (with a white belt). We've seen these theatrical touches before at Krushco, and Zack warms us quickly to the company's house style and throws himself into it with a vengeance.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Red Meat








It takes Pascal, in the dark trunks, ten minutes to submit Ronald, the smooth guy in red, three times. This is the second of the six W-and-L battles that our friend Mikey recommended to me last month. It's heavier, more ferocious action than the first, which I reviewed at the beginning of the month.

Pascal is the hairier and darker of the two, with brooding eyes and a long Gallic nose, straight enough to use as a bevel. Ronald, his challenger, would have looked right at home as one of the crew of the Argos in Jason and the Argonauts--smooth, well-defined muscle, with the confident, self-satisfied face of a charming rogue.

Both wrestlers embody that iron-muscled masculinity that inspires the same awe in me as a skyscraper  or a suspension bridge ... or Devils Tower in Wyoming. To watch the two of them collide and twist around each other is enticing and intimidating at the same time.

Just as I was thinking the match was a done deal after the first ten minutes, Ronald returns the favor, three howling submissions ... in FIVE minutes. It's a tough and volatile fight, the wrestlers stopping just short of gouging each other's eyes out, yet maintaining the spirit of sportsmanlike competition.

The next seven minutes are the most savage. After the seventh fall, both iron men are teetering like colossal statues in an earthquake. Quite impressive athletic drama, which Mikey characterized as "a brutal, frustrating, and sweaty time of it," which is all I needed to hear.

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