Joe: First of all, thanks for agreeing to do this, and I wish you great success with this new release. So, tell me, what drew you to Rock Hard?
Eli: I was told by, um, an unnamed source that I should take my skill from MMA and college wrestling into the ring because there was some intense contenders in there, and if you know Eli Black, you know I love a challenge. I'll take anyone on. I do nothing but work at increasing my skills, and I felt Rock Hard best suited me. It has a great atmosphere. Great place to train.
Joe: What's it like being the new meat? Everybody treating you all right?
Eli: Everyone treats everyone the same. I don't care if I'm the new meat. Just means I'm fresh and ready to go and discard the old.
Joe: So, what's it like there?
Eli: Kinda every man for himself. ... Well, basically, everyone here is two-faced. You pal around backstage with someone. Your new best buddy trash-talks on another wrestler. Then he goes right to that wrestler and starts talking trash on the other wrestler he was just talking to. Not to mention any names, Jake Jenkins! [Laughs.] Douche bag. But the training facilities here are topnotch for me. They keep making my picture-perfect eight-pack abs and that amazing and stunning ass of mine tighter and harder for my next opponent. I work on my abs all day every day, doing sit-ups with a medicine ball to make them rock hard and tight. For my ass I just have to give props to God ... he blessed me with that pleaser.
Joe: Your debut match against Jenkins was killer. Very exciting. And you proved yourself a tough and durable fighter. Looking back at that match, what stands out for you?
Eli: I'm not talking about it. I tune it out. He caught me off guard and got lucky. End of story!
Joe: [Laughs.] Okay. So let's talk about your background. Were you always into sports?
Eli: I've wrestled my whole life. I was a state champion and college All-American and Junior Olympian. Then I trained in MMA, where I turned professional and had an amazing career there as well.
Joe: Tell me a little bit about your martial arts experience.
Eli: Well, like my wrestling, I've been doing it for a very long time with training in BJJ [Brazilian jujitsu] and boxing with pros! Pushing myself every day to perfect my skills so I will be the best, no matter what I do. And I'll destroy anyone in my path! If, by some magic, I do lose, it's not a big deal. Actually, in that case it's worse for you because I make my weaknesses my strengths ... from you. And I will be back for revenge in the most painful way I can imagine ... and I have a crazy mind. [Laughs.]
Joe: What's your favorite gear?
Eli: Def my trunks, the tighter the better, basically, a pair that shows off my perfect ass!
Joe: Do you have a signature hold or finisher?
Eli: Yes, I have two that are very special ... "The Shutdown" and "The Eli Black Special," as you've seen in my stellar match with Jake. You know, that little girl who got lucky in our match? The Shutdown was when I lifted him from his feet and flipped him over my head onto his back at the same time as I spun to a full mount to get strong control. The Eli Black Special is my finisher. It usually follows the Shutdown. After I full-mount the opponent, I'll ride high up to his face and rap my leg around his head and position the opponent's ... Jake Jenkins' ... face nice and deep into my record-breaking dick! Then I lock that mount into a reverse triangle, and they are forced to submit or face my cock being the last thing they see before they pass out from the strength of my thighs.
Joe: Is there anybody you model yourself after?
Joe: Is there anybody you model yourself after?
Eli: I am the best. End of story.
Joe: So is there anybody at Rock Hard you're itching to battle--or battle again?
Eli: Do you need to ask? Jake Jenkins! That pussy got lucky once. That shit's not happening again. Next fucking question! Stupid fucking question, Joe! ... Oh, and that new kid, Travis or whatever. I don't give a fuck. They're all pussies. I'll take em all. Why? Because I'm the best. Dumb ass!
Joe: Easy now, Eli.
Eli: Next question!
Joe: Okay. Let's go the other way on this. Is there anybody at Rock Hard you hope never to have to face in the ring?
Eli: [Laughs.] Don't make me throw you down in the ring! ... Honestly, myself. I tremble a little at my own amazing self! So, if it were possible, myself. Next question.
Joe: So just name a celebrity whose ass you think needs kicking?
Eli: I don't care. I'll kick anyone's ass. Next question!
Joe: Let's talk WWE, then. Who's your favorite wrestling superstar?
Eli: Me, when I get there! Role model from the past ... Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Eli: I'll beat anyone's ass in anything it is I do. If it's checkers or Chutes and Ladders, I'll crush you.
Joe: Earlier this month, you set your resolution for 2012 to become "King of Rock Hard Wrestling"? What's that going to take to achieve?
Eli: Destroying any and all threats and leaving no doubt I am the fucking champ!
Joe: Would you like to see Rock Hard put a championship title up for grabs?
Eli: Yes. But, again, if you ask me, they already have a champion ... and a trophy: Me! [Laughs.] If that ever does happen, though, I promise I will not REST until I hold that championship title. I'm not joking. It will be MINE!
Joe: Where do you see yourself and Rock Hard Wrestling being in 2017?
Eli: Owner. Running shit.
Joe: What's one thing an opponent does or says that will make you see red? Guaranteed.
Eli: Pulling my goddamned hair!
Joe: Do fans ever proposition you?
Eli: "Proposition"? What the hell does that mean? This ain't no English test. Don't use these big words, you smart ass! Don't make me whip your ass!
Joe: Come on, Eli, don't be a dick.