Jonny Firestorm invokes the name Kevin Von Erich in BG East's Jobberpaloozer 12: The Works, which pits Jonny against Jake Jenkins. Noting the absence of boots on Jake's feet in the ring, Jonny quips,"What? You think you're a Von Erich?" Both wrestlers are barefoot, but it's Jake who wears the iconic white wrist and ankle bands, and but for hair color and about seven inches in height, it's Jake who invokes the image of the "Golden Warrior" in his prime, circa 1980. That raises the question, then, of what cherished WCCW image might Jonny invoke? If he had hair on his chest and stomach and a shaggy mullet, he could be KVE nemesis "Handsome" Jimmy Garvin. With other makeovers, maybe "Gentleman" Chris Adams, maybe Bruiser Brody? At any rate, the "Jobberpaloozer" title spoils our initial hopes that, like the divine Kev (still worshipped in this house), Jake will suffer beautifully but then resurrect, in the last 30 seconds, to radiantly triumph over evil with a climactic corner mount and iron claw. 

Actually it's Jonny who applies the claw in the ring corner, and it's Jake's cherished midsection that it torments, then later, iconically, the forehead, then yet again those Kodak-perfect abs. And he yanks the kid's armpit hair, chokes him on the ropes, pulls him to his feet by his Prince Valiant haircut, and bends him in two with a Boston crab hold that is more crab monster than crab. Lest we forget, Jonny is the reigning maestro heel at BG East, and never have his talents been put more beautifully to work than in this slow, sensuous dismantling of the gorgeous and resilient Jake Jenkins. Nobody has the knowledge of holds that Jonny has--some of which look inspired by medieval implements of torture or mythical beasts in Dr Seuss books--and I can think of nobody who can look as good as Jake while upside down and stretched spreadeagle--that image, after several compulsive viewings now, is the one that now sees me to sleep at nights. Ostentatiously, the catalog description calls this match "the 'Moby Dick' of squash jobs." A little literary pretentiousness never killed anybody--or else I'd be dead as Lear (Act V, scene iii, line 312)--but this description is one I could stand by. I'm not even a fan of squash jobs, but this one is no ordinary fish story, and it definitely does the trick for me.

The match ends when Jonny's delivery pizza arrives, and he forsakes a mangled and sweat-soaked Jake in the center of the ring to grab a slice or two with "the works." But, folks, don't walk out during the closing credits, because this match packs a terrific coda, as Jonny determines to find out just how much pain and humiliation Jake can finally stand. This is the kind of ending that tickles my nards every time, and from start to finish Jobberpaloozer 12 has moments that will stick to your fantasies like sticky cheese.


  1. That adage "to way his own applies." When I know you prefer aggressive wrestlers, and Jinny excels at that, especially in this match. But for my money, I'm drawn to the other side to the same extent, and in that way Jake's performances is legendary. I think sometimes the guys who play that role aren't praised enough. Jonny wouldn't be nearly as potent if Jake wasn't so damn tough, talented and good looking (and flexible--always a particularly enticing asset for me). Jake made the match for me--a great example of two sides coming together to make one awesome whole.


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