Sunday, December 8, 2013


In a strange (but, as it turns out, clever) matchup, UCW pits Quinn Harper and Johnny Deep against each other. Quinn is the dour and remorseless wringer of men's bodies, and Johnny is the mischievous pretty-boy who, despite a penchant for chirruppy sadomasochism, usually plays the role of babyface. If it helps, imagine a setup in which Bane and Loki might face off. (Or in a parallel universe, Harper and Deep might team up as sinister versions of Batman and Robin.)

In the brief prelude, Harper is brandishing the cardboard-and-duct-tape "championship" belt handmade by its namesake Eli Black, from whom Harper won the prize this past summer. Deep is deliberately provoking Quinn to beat the shit out of him, mocking the jerry-built belt and calling Quinn an "old man." Quinn obligingly promises to show Deep how and why he came to own the "Eli Black Championship Belt" and to whoop his vanilla ass.

Deep's tricky stalling tactics fail to hold back a now-incensed Quinn, who drags Johnny down to the center of the mat and proceeds to stretch his torso and rip his nipples, on top of making sure Johnny's chiropractor stays busy for years to come. Johnny achieves several brief "hope spots" on his path to certain annihilation at the hands of Quinn, whose idea of "handicapping" a weaker, less experienced wrestler is, while literally accurate, not what weaker men in his clutches might want it to be.

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