Eli's Slick Hairy Private

I love the hell out of UCW. Even its lamest fight (and there have been some lame ones) has been good for a chuckle, at least. But its latest oil match [#379], pitting Eli Black against Pvt. Jack Marino, steams my pants like no other UCW match ... ever.

Pvt. Jack is back after an overseas tour of duty, confident, hairy chested, and cute as a Jonas Bros purity ring. He's a surprise challenger for Eli, who has gone from "No oil matches ever" to "Okay just this once" to THIS: a super-charged "fun" match that, two-fifths of the way through, pushes the boundaries of good taste with a Napoleonic forced entry--though off the top of my head I can think of few boundaries UCW has not pushed at one time or another.

Pvt. Jack was at one point Eli's protege and then at another point his slave boy (with a wide gray area in between). Both he and Eli look thrilled to be together on the UCW mat again. Eli has never looked better than he does in this bout, in top form and, in attitude, never more poised and (believe it or not) sunny. The wrestlers manage a tricky balance between horseplay and intensity, and, surprisingly, it's one of the company's most overtly homoerotic contests, "surprising" because neither of these guys is gay- or bi-identified.

The 34-minute video opens with a prologue full of in-jokes I mostly don't get. But the giddy excitement is almost palpable. The video ends with a decisive and fairly sudden knockout. In between it's all gooey goodness in typical UCW style: ab punishment, ball-twists (lots of 'em!), wall slams, scissors, chokes, kicks, pube-plucks, arm locks, cradles, and, of course, nonstop slipping and sliding and squirming and squishing.

I will admit it. This one caught me with my pants down.