Bumps

Dylon Roberts vs Hawk Rodman, Bulge Battles 1 (BG East)

BG East is launching a new series focusing on man's favorite part. The first match presents Dylon Roberts and Hawk Rodman, two fine journeyman performers striving to hit it big, the it  in this case being the protuberance splendidly emphasized in men's wrestling gear - the much-loved and highly esteemed shlong, tallywacker, baby arm, cock, ding dong, meat, bone, dick, prick, rod, and so on. Dylon has a weight advantage on Hawk, most of it apparently in his manhood, yet his past record suggests that Dylon's a taker not a giver - most gloriously seen in his debut against the ferocious Jonny Firestorm six years ago - one of my favorite rookie demolitions ever.

The role of cocky heel does not come naturally to Dylon. He plays it well enough here to rev me up for the inevitable comeuppance he sets himself up for. As the series title suggests, the bulge is a weapon in these matches, and Dylon wages war with his, all but unopposed for the first third of the contest. Perhaps nobody advised him, however, that the bulge is also a target, and when the time comes for Hawk to turn the tables on his tormentor, he aims low and does so with enough concentration and force to make the final third of the match a nasty bit of business I couldn't tear my eyes from.

Joshua Goodman vs Rex Braddock, Bulge Battles 1 (BG East)

Mr. Joshua breaks the excitement meter in every performance since his debut against Brad Rochelle in Fantasymen 19. Dashingly handsome, hung like a horse, and notoriously shady as an opponent,  Mr. Joshua has wrestled practically everybody except Kevin Bacon. Rex Braddock is shorter and heavier, making him tough to tumble and hard to heave. He's the kind of opponent that requires speed and strategy to take down, neither particularly strong suits for Mr. Joshua, who may instead have to rely on having an awesome package.

Goodman sells the hell out of Braddock's bear hugs. It takes him a while to work his way around this mass of undiluted brute force. He has a couple of aborted hope spots before the match's midpoint, when the battle becomes more give and take. Even after it appears that Braddock's victory is not foreordained, it's hard to imagine Mr. Joshua fast-talking his way out of this predicament. A low blow or rather a series of low blows seems to be the man's only recourse.

Kid Karisma vs Jobe Zander, Bulge Battles 1 (BG East)

I'm surprised nobody thought to pair up Karisma and Zander before. The fighters could not be more perfectly suited in sass, brutality, and horndoggedness. If ever two BGE stars were meant to tear into each other, it's these two, and in Bulge Battles 1 they do. Karisma has always danced on the edge of raunchy wrestling, exuding high-voltage sexiness and pleasing fans in his choice of gear, while seldom if ever actually taking the plunge into dry-humping his opponents, while Jobe could qualify as one of the genre's founders and persistent innovators.

This fight is the messiest of the three, just as I had hoped. Zander is pure id. He's never shown even a hint of conscience, and I have no reason to think that, with a tasty morsel like Kid K wagging his ass in front of him, Jobe will curb his natural instincts for brutality and lewdness. He brings the kind of fight Karisma hasn't faced in a good long while. Conversely, Karisma is pure ego. Winning motivates him, and winning requires a cool sense of strategy and the will to do whatever it takes to come out on top. Karisma can take this battle as low as Zander cares to take it, and herein lies the intoxicating energy of this match.


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