Wednesday, January 6, 2010
How to Be a Heel
Rodney Southern over at eHow has a five-step plan on "How to Be a Professional Wrestling Heel." Here are my humble fan's-eye additions to his list:
Six. Take every opportunity to show your disrespect and contempt for your opponent, which almost always will be perceived (perhaps rightly) as disrespect and contempt for the crowd. If the guy is overweight, tell him he needs to work out before stepping into the ring with a body beautiful like yours. Even better, say that even when the guy is ripped like John Morrison.
Seven. Kick back and enjoy yourself. Got a golden-haired local hero in a camel clutch? Smile broadly like you're brushing sauce onto some ribs on your backyard grill with a Yuengling in your left paw. Sure, it's work making other guys suffer, but it doesn't just pay the bills; you do it cause you love it, and the satisfaction should show. The smile doesn't even need to be sadistic, just a look that says causing pain, for you, is as relaxing as fishing or canoeing is for other guys. Not enough? Want to take it up a notch? Give em your best O-face. Make the front row think your cock is busting through the chump's vertebrae.
Eight. Hide, cower, and, best of all, cry like a baby. If your opponent gets the least advantage over you, run for the ropes. Complain to the ref that the babyface is pulling your hair even if you're bald as a bean. Sniveling, pouting, throwing a temper tantrum, these are the tricks of your trade. Whingeing and ducking through the ropes is the key to making every grown man in the stadium yearn for the smack that douses your lights for rest of the night.
Nine. Scream into the microphone. You're not Morgan Freeman and you're not narrating a documentary about lemurs. Bust some vocal cords, man, and while you're at it, make the audience's ear drums bleed. Even when you're unmiked, in fact through every second of the goddamned match, you need to be jawing like a drag queen at the downtown Greyhound station. Show everybody you like the sound of your own voice. Get a vocal coach. You should be able to bend metal with your larynx. And if you're white, try rapping.
Ten. Flex. Delay the match for what seems like hours, while you perfect your front double bicep pose. Get your ass out there. Strut. Spread those knees. Show everybody how you dance. Challenge your opponent to a pose off. Suck that gut in. Grind those hips. Show mama that skin, baby. Don't stop till everybody in the house wants a piece of you ... in one way or another.
I have the feeling Rodney and I have only scratched the surface on this topic. Any suggestions, men?