Saturday, March 19, 2011

When All Is Said and Done the Shiny Boy Gets What's Coming to Him, and Then Some

Did you read Wrestling Arsenal's post on the "wet look" in pro wrestling?  He dismisses the old ruse that wrestlers oil up to make it harder to get a good grip on them, which is, as the writer points out, kind of the whole point of wrestling.
Really, why do pro wrestlers do anything in or out of the ring?  Because it's hot.  Because the fans like seeing it.  Because a wet body can be more interesting to look at than a dry body.
Besides this obvious but often deliberately blurred point, the article suggests that the well-oiled body is also a sign of vanity and self-love--in short, it's a clear sign, often enough, that a wrestler's a heel.

In this IWA Unlimited match from Thursday, Jay Spade enters the ring, his fetching but far from cut physique glimmering with baby oil.  If we didn't know it already, we have our first hint of his role in the coming match.  What is more, only his chest and stomach are wet, which suggests he lubed himself up, unable to reach around and shine his back as well.

Our second hint is that he's in the ring with four other guys--oh, how "real" Americans distrust any kind of collectivism!--and they are all in black (hint three) and one is wearing shades and holding a microphone (hints four and five).  Spade tells the already foaming at the mouth fans to shut up, which, I suspect, can only make matters worse.  The ringleader of this ominous confederation warns Spade that, to be a member of the team, he has "to earn [his] keep," and informs him that loss of this match will also lose him his place among them.

Can you tell where this is heading?

When the men in black leave the ring, "Original Recipe" Matt Cage bounds into the room--dry as a bone, standing tall all by himself, wearing a cowboy hat and leather vest, and high-fiving every outstretched hand.  Cage is a recent convert from heeldom (in fact, last night he won the Nose Bleed Seats' 2011 award for "most hated").  Cage's boots no sooner touch the apron than Spade hightails it through the ropes and out of the ring (hint six, or seven, or maybe eight, I've lost count).  Once, Spade is shamed back into the squared circle and the match gets started, Cage (now having shed every vestige of the Old West except for cowboying up to the challenge of busting cowardly Jay Spade a new asshole) proves himself to be the true alpha male in the ring by taking immediate control of his opponent.

But one place where Spade is not wet is behind the ears.  He goes vicious and underhanded--as we knew (and hoped) he would.  He pushes Cage against the ropes and to the turnbuckle to deliver some untoward and heartfelt blows to the handsome hero's hard and tight physique.  But the snotty heel's reign of terror lasts only a few minutes, and, soon enough, Cage rebounds to fulfill his earlier promise.  Spade gets spanked but good, and the fans and I are licking it up.  Cage wins the match, as we could so easily predict he would--not being totally ignorant of the word "foreshadowing"--but what happens next is not so easily predicted ...  Or, then, maybe it is.  Who cares, eh?

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