Tuesday, November 1, 2011

"Hasta la Vista, You Fuck!"

Here is my post-mortem on Wrestlemaniac—One. I liked the vintage lucha libre footage that plays behind the opening credits.  Two. Great mariachi music. Three. Adam Huss presents a fairly engaging facsimile of Colin Farrell imitating Eli Roth doing his best Kevin Bacon impression. Four. Direction and acting are pretty much on the level of a college sophomore video project—okay, a little better than that, but the less you expect of this movie the better prepared you will be for what it is. Five. I want the big guy’s yellow lucha mask. Six. For a horror movie, this one fails big in the “atmosphere” department. Like, there is none. This is mainly a problem with its post-production. Like, there is none. Seven. Other commenters’ comparisons to Scooby Doo are well founded, especially in the film’s dialogue—lots of exposition that nobody could possibly care about. Eight. This movie could contain the least convincing scene of somebody snorting cocaine ever … twice. Nine. It’s hard to imagine a single slasher-movie cliché this movie has overlooked—the only thing the film makers missed was shooting this with a shaky video camera as a faux documentary. Ten. I might be interested in seeing hairy-chested Adam in a wrestling match. It doesn’t happen. Eleven. The killer’s first kill is totally expected. See if you can beat your friends in spotting the most expendable character. Twelve. I picked up on the Vorhees reference.  Appreciated. Thirteen. The killer’s second kill features some body slams (sort of) and our first look at Rey Misterio as the killer. Fourteen. After the second kill, we get even more exposition—this time on a tape recorder, in Spanish—and still it’s hard to care very much. Though here we find out that the killer’s MO derives from the rules of lucha libre—sort of like Dr. Phibes’ use of the ten plagues of the Book of Exodus or, in Se7en, John Doe’s use of the seven deadly sins, but, disappointingly, there's only one rule in lucha libre. Fifteen. There is a wrestling ring! Here’s where it gets semi-good. Nice back breaker. Yes, literally, the back is snapped in two. Sixteen. So bad it is almost good, perhaps. But mostly so bad it is pretty much just bad. Watch with mucho bottles of XX with tequila shooters.

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