Tattoos Versus Singlets

Rock Hard Wrestling makes good on its company name in its latest tag team match. Josh Steel and Brian Baker yuck it up when Brodie Fisher and Alex Waters enter the ring in matching singlets and snap smart-phone photos of each other flexing their hard biceps. How square can you get, right? Not only that, but how hilarious is Brodie's Canadian accent? But Brodie and Alex get the last laugh in this hugely satisfying after-school special that teaches us all about the perils of teenage mockery--and Josh, the shaggy-haired surfer boy, looks to get the worst of it. The match offers plenty of double-teaming (on both sides) and four of its hottest "tag teen" wrestlers set loose on each other.

I can't say how much a fight like this one porns me up. Sure, I like regular porn, too, but not as much as a good bare-chested brawl. I blame all those Tarzan movies I watched, growing up. I blame a childhood spent on military bases, watching GIs roughhouse outside the barracks and at the base swimming pool. I feel like I'm missing something, though, in not quite getting the whole riding crop and bondage thing--though sometimes I get it a little bit--or even the verbal abuse thing--except when the potty-mouth has to swallow his shattered teeth. I'm open to these things and always ready to try something new, but my meat and potatoes is still basically guys beating other guys up, caveman style. A passion that's lasted over half a century is entrenched in the psyche. It's all the tastier, I think, when the bad boys get what they're asking for.

The tattooed bad guys (Brian and Josh) outweigh the good guys (Alex and Brodie) by thirty pounds. They use the advantage well, and though there's no mystery to how all this winds up (just read the online product description), this fight is far from a one-sided squash. Brodie's not intimidated by his opponents' derision or their size. He opens Round 1 by scooping six-four, 205-pound Brian up in the air and smashing him to the mat. Not even five minutes into this 25-minute two-rounder, and I'm rock hard. And it gets even harder as the minutes tick by and boots slam into muscle, tags get blocked, limbs get pretzeled against spines, and the sneering blond boy gets worked over in the corner--three times! There's also the joy of watching a fighter make his opponent punch himself in the face. Call it comic relief.

There are three famous little words that make everyone happy, but Rock Hard's latest release reminds me that I'd happily settle for just two, from one wrestler to his partner ... "Finish him."