Who's Unfairest of Them All?

Ty Alexander vs Zip Zarella, Heel Bash 4 (BG East)

Two pretties - the Trophy Boy and "Zippy" - can't decide who's more unimpressed with the other's physique and pulchritude. What else can they do to settle the issue but wrestle? Ty presents himself as the epitome of South Beach cool, while Zip looks like an envoy from Billionaire Boys Club. Both are strong and strong-willed, brimming with attitude and styling gel. This is the sort of vanity showdown that makes girl fans and gay fans swoon. Needless to say, I can't claim to be entirely immune to its charms.

Ty, who practically grew up in the BG East ring, takes an early lead. He gets Zip down on one knee with a wristlock and arm wrench. "Le' go!" Zarella demands, to which Alexander responds by twisting Zip's arm against his back and mussing ZZ's hair. Hoisting Zarella up in a fireman's carry, Alexander shows off by performing deep knee bends while bearing his opponent's weight. He then positions him for a suplex. The initial suplex is a bone-jarring splat, but attempting a second, Ty inadvertently gives Zarella enough time to escape and reverse.

Zip's advantage is brief, though, and once again Ty targets Zarella's left arm for abuse - along with taunting assaults on fingers and quiff. Ty cuts short all Zip's further attempts at reversal till the 26-minute match's midpoint, at which point a sweaty Trophy Boy gets a three-count pin on an exhausted but tetchy Zarella. Zarella slowly regains his footing. Then, in a flash, he kicks Alexander in the gut, thus inaugurating a long stretch of comeuppance for Ty.

Zip's onslaught is cruel and relentless, fierce enough to raise an interesting bulge in his aquamarine trunks about six minutes into it. In the contest's final four minutes, there's a spasm of reciprocal ball-busting that briefly puts the wrestlers on equal footing. The action then speeds to a choke-out, bringing the Bash to an incontestable close.

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