In My Life, I've Loved Them All

I met only five of these 67 idols, one I inadvertently insulted to his face, one submitted me a couple dozen times in a Fort Lauderdale backroom, one put me in a side headlock at his home, one chatted with me about Doctor Who and Game of Thrones, and one mistook me for Wrestlebard.  I have never seen most of the guys below in real life, much less engaged them in conversation. Decades of idolatry chemtrail behind me, crushes I had at age eight or nine up to a miraculously youthful ejaculation  a few days ago. I dedicate this year's roll call to buddies near and far, real and make-believe, but especially to the memory of Robert Conrad, the man who inspired my first bedroom tussle and to whose face, to my lasting shame, I once blurted excitedly and unthinkingly, "You're short."

Robert Conrad

Jeff Aquilon, Jigsaw

Davey Richards, Hiram Keller, Bart Turner

 

Muscle Beast, Jon-Erik Hexum, JayJay Young (aka Mark Lander)

 

 Brad Pitt, Paul Walker, Thom Hoffman

Dante, Johnny Weissmuller, Ricochet

Jesse Zane, Jason Hades, Rick Rude

Kid Karisma, Rex Bedford, Eli Black

Bass Wallace, Spencer Hawkins, El Fuego

Jack Brisco, Jake Jenkins, Scrappy McNair

Gil Barrios, Iceman18, Krush

Rip Beretta, Marco, Josh Steel

Braden Trelisse, Marky Mark, Mikey Hanlon

Dimitri, Jonny Firestorm, Chase Michaels

Paul Perris, Kelly King, Cliff Conlin

Justin Powers, Ken Norton, Biff Farrell

 

Brian Pillman, Billy Kidman, Zack Sabre Jr.

Kip Sabian, Kirk Morris, Brad Michaels

Legend, Johnny Castle, Jay White

Mikey Vee, Sammy Guevara, Steve Simpson

Roman Stone, Santiago, Axel

Sean Flynn, Tyler Black, Shane Thorne

Tommy Torpedo, Johnny Sheffield, Vince Rockland

Kevin Von Erich