So Funny It Hurts

Jobe Zander vs Exavier, Ringwars 33 (BG East)

This "lost match" pits two of BG East's most charismatic wrestlers. One is the comically well-endowed Jobe Zander. I'm pretty sure his shtick and stick are older than those of similar indie stars, wrestlers like Johnny Cockstrong and Joey Ryan, who I am pretty sure appropriated the gimmick from Zander. (I don't know for sure: I am not a dick-wrestling historian, though I sometimes study the subject.) Over the years, Jobe's "Centerpiece" has been the focus of many a jab and stomp.

I'm an Exavier fan, even though I've posted on him only once before, and that was six years ago, at which time I praised his "vanity and craven opportunism," and with typical hyperbole proclaimed, "[I]f by 'wrestler' you mean somebody who knows the holds, plays every moment like Stanislavski, and makes the squared circle roll like thunder, you need to check out [Paul] Hudson and Exavier."  He's one of  the sexiest big wrestlers in BG East history. Though he actually isn't that tall or heavy (5'9", 185#), something in the way he carries himself persuades me he is a titan.

In the opener, Exavier, in tiger-print trunks, advises Zander, "You can stand there, you can look at me, you can take your notes [...] and I'll show you how posing is supposed to be done." Exavier is one wrestler whose posing sessions I do not resent as needless distractions from grappling, perhaps because he performs with such irony and deadpan comedy - and because I love the guy's build and, when the time comes, he delivers Grade-A grappling.

The match begins almost eight minutes into the video, with Exavier attacking the vainglorious Jobe from behind and wrapping the blowhard's face in his Halloween-costume cape. It's too bad we have waited this long to see this fine heel-versus-heel brawl. It's hardly a one-sided contest, but for me the best parts see Exavier putting his killer pecs on display and kicking the zhit out of Zander. I know I'm under his spell when I notice how often I'm crossing and uncrossing my legs. His punishments are at once sexy and perfectly timed.

Both wrestlers are partial to low blows. The reversals are fast and nasty, often catching me by surprise. The sweat and vindictiveness these guys exude are topnotch, though comedic. It's rare that you'll hear me praise comedic wrestling, but Exavier and Zander have grit as well as excellent timing, and too much is never enough for these guys. This is slapstick that leaves welts, and the match's surprise ending - along with its gratuitous coda - is tasty.

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