KK/ZZ

Kelly King vs Zip Zarella, Gut Bash 16 (BG East)

I helped write catalog copy for BG East's Gut Bash 16, so I've previewed the soon-to-be-released King vs Zarella match, and wow! It's an entire theme park - StiffyLand - dedicated to the premise that there's no such thing as too much abdominal trauma. The casting cannot be improved on - Kelly King, thick as grandma's easychair, is as handsome as he is heartless - and if there is anybody I'd choose to feel the heat of Kelly's wrath, it would be the cherubically smooth fancy-boy Zip Zarella.

We have rapid-fire corner punches, abdominal claw holds, folding-chair battering rams, tummy stomps, a broom handle, and (gulp!) a steel chain with links big as oar locks. The fight's not as one-sided as I make it sound. Zip has his triumphs, too, though my guess is that today he can't remember any of them. Zarella's inflated ego has needed a reality check for a long time, and in a wrestling ring there is no realer real than Kelly King.

Word to the wise - don't bring weapons into a ring against Kelly unless you want those weapons turned against you. It's a simple message but true. I can think of no less forgiving heel on the BGE roster than King. Zip is magnificent in his hubris. Without actually begging to be obliterated, Zip as good as triggers his own demise. Simply entering a wrestling ring with Kelly is enough. But to strut around like the ring is yours, to bring instruments of pain into the squared circle, and to wag those billowy butt cheeks in the man's face, it's prepostrous to think King is going to let you exit the ring on your own two feet!

Visit BG East here.