Why God Gave Nipples to Men

Tyson the Hammer vs Jessie Lee, Match 733 (UCW)

Variance in wrestlers' sizes and builds is nothing new at UCW, but I'm struck by how tiny Jessie Lee looks next to Tyson. Of course, once the two are grappling on the mat, the height difference seems less of a thing. Nevertheless, with his bag of tricks - nipple pinching, ball wringing, and corkscrew wedgies - Tyson has a lot more than height on his side - and a more devious bag of tricks than the ever-cheerful Jessie could ever hope for.

But -  surprise, surprise - two minutes into the match, tiny pumped-up Jessie appropriates the former champ's tit tactics, grabbing the Hammer's high-beams with both claws, clamping down harder than plastic clothespins. It looks like Lee has been studying Hammer's game tapes, and he has learned quite a lot. Taken by surprise, Tyson grudgingly has to play jobber to his breathlessly energetic opponent, while plotting how to turn the match back to his favor.

It's hard to say what troubles Tyson more - the sudden loss of control or the idea that his opponent stole his thunder. Both wrestlers are magnificently built. Tyson has the classic swimmer's build, while Jessie sports the typical college-wrestler's physique. I get the most enjoyment when both are tangled horizontally on the UCW mat. The holds last for 30 seconds or more, giving viewers time to appraise the grimaces, writhing, and involuntary body spasms induced by the invasive moves.

I'm surprised how long Jessie maintains control of his man, mostly through sheer force of will. Obviously, as the last GIFs indicate, the Hammer manages to turn the tables back and works Jessie's muscly body like a rusty pump. Grunts and yelps drown out the smack of muscle on muscle for the last half, up to the startlingly sudden chokeout finish!

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