Ice Pack

Iceman18 vs Ashton89, Battlespace 146 (Thunders Arena)

Iceman is handsomer than ever. His high cheekbones and sharp jawline have surfaced, creating a dashing profile worthy of a Roman monument. Also, he's been showing off more bulge lately, and there's not a thing wrong with that. In this video, he welcomes newcomer Ashton89 with the traditional Thunders combination house tour, hazing, and posing session.

Tall, dark, and handsome Ashton brims with superstar potential. Boasting of a "degree in musclebuilding," he praises the Michelangeloan perfection of Iceman's firm shoulder and chest muscles. He gushes over the breadth and heft of Iceman's muscles, but crosses a line by noting, as a simple statement of fact, "You used to be a little fluffier."

The remark, however innocently expressed, irks Iceman, who pushes Ashton to the wall and plies the newcomer's washboard abs with sharp, no-nonsense punches. Taking advantage of a brief lull, Ashton applies a bearhug, carries Iceman indoors, and tosses him onto the wrestling mat. Even as he attacks, Ashton can't stop praising the stunning beauty of Iceman's physique. Grabbing Ashton's ankles, Iceman hoists him up in a handstand, adding pressure by splitting the legs wide - and then knocks him out with a piledriver.

Iceman pins him to the mat, his sturdy thighs resting on either side of Ashton's head. Even in a pinch, Ashton can't stop singing Iceman's praises, gleefully observing, "Your balls smell really good." Tiring of the youngster's effusive praise, Iceman calls for a "timeout," but the guy can't stop yabbering. "How are you talking while I'm fucking crushing you?" the blond strongman wonders aloud.

With ten minutes remaining, Ashton changes his mind about Iceman, suddenly deciding the guy's undeserving of his admiration. You might expect this turning point to launch the match into darker terrain. That is something you will have to judge for yourself. In the Arena's improvisational skits, little can be taken seriously. I leave this match obsessing over the wrestlers' vascularity - briefly a topic for mutual admiration - and wondering just how good Iceman's balls must smell, pressed down on an opponent's face. Hands up, those of you who, like me, would like to find out.

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