Whoop-Ass Time!

Joey King vs Austin Cooper, Hunkbash 25 (BG East)

I'm a happy camper when both the bashed and the basher are hunks. Even so, BG East's latest Hunkbash number is transparent as to which wrestlers are in line for an unavoidable spanking - in this match, it is Austin Cooper, who has played just about every possible gimmick in underground wrestling. He's almost never heroic these days, leaning towards heel roles and ne'er-do-wells. In Hunkbash 25 he is a vain and self-absorbed louse in no hurry to get the match started. Joey King is the hero of this story, just a good-old boy from the Southwest who can't wait to clock the smooth, parlor-tanned Narcissus. First, Joey lets Austin dig his own grave.

We first see Coop shadow-boxing his reflection in the wall-sized mirror beside the wrestling ring. When King enters the room, he climbs up on the ring apron and immediately sizes Cooper up as a boy-man in desperate need of admiration. "Very patriotic of you," he says, praising the egotist's red, white, and blue trunks. When he states the obvious point that posing is not the same thing as wrestling, Austin testily replies with a "Says who?" Clearly, this pretty boy is dumb as a rock. He proudly flexes his biceps as he enters the ring.

Cooper pushes King into a corner then backs off. King butters the guy up, making him feel like he has just accomplished something special. "I'll wait," Joey mutters as Austin snaps back into a posing stance. When they do lock up, Joey shoves Austin into a corner with considerable force, then playfully (playful as a tiger) suggests they engage in a "true test of strength." Austin stalls, showing off his biceps some more and doing some pushups. They lock arms, and King immediately starts giving the showoff the thrashing he undoubtedly has coming to him. He bashes Coop's forehead to all four turnbuckles. "You good, Captain America?" he taunts as Coop, flat on his face on the ring floor, tries to catch his breath.

The rest of this match is Joey's gleeful bashing of Austin, rodeo-style. Joey wraps Coop up like a calf-roper, only without ropes. King's body is more than just show. His muscles are built to kick ass. I love Joey's good-ole-boy style here, whooping Austin every which way, then tying it all together in a bow, that is, squatting behind his groggy opponent and clamping on a chinlock. Joey has 27 more minutes to do as he pleases, and what pleases him most is making Austin Cooper holler and tap out. After each submission, he gives Austin a fresh restart to prove himself, beginning with the referee's position with Austin on top. Within seconds - Seconds! - Joey turns the tables on Austin and with great satisfaction pummels him down to raw hamburger.

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