Bulldozing Leon

Leon Lange vs Gabe Steel and Jonny Firestorm, Hunkbash 27 (BG East)

Everyone wants a piece of handsome Leon Lange. (I want a piece of handsome Leon Lange.) In the obligatory posing preface, Leon looks like the BGE ring is his. It's rare that we get a fully assembled, ready-to-roll he-man, with movie star jawline accentuated with stubble and an iron-man trunk and thighs. But here he is - and tattoo-haters rejoice: Leon hasn't a visible mark on him.

Gabe Steel enters the ring behind Leon, who is preoccupied with his dazzling beauty. Standing beside the newbie, Gabe is plainly the bigger, thicker, heavier man. He shoves Lange aside and pops his biceps for the camera. He then invites the new guy to try and match him in brawn, if he can. Leon accepts the challenge. "Is that it?" Gabe mutters. "I expected more."

We all know this is leading to a fight. Gabe comes at Leon from behind and traps him in a full nelson, thrashing him right and left in an apparent attempt to snap the guy's spine. Of course, what we're really getting here is a front-row seat to the perfection of Leon's torso. Gabe casts him face down on the mat. Leon is motionless. In the real world, this would be the end of the match, but Gabe's not finished with this exquisite upstart.

Gabe lifts his man, cradling him in his arms as he uses his opponent's weight to pump up his biceps. Then, he slams the guy's spine to his extended knee, pulls him back up, and bangs him back down on the mat. Leon moans and writhes voluptuously. I want to reach in and help (or hurt ... or just fondle) but cannot. Gabe presses his right foot to Leon's jaw, grabs him by both hands, and pushes and pulls simultaneously.

Facing no resistance, Gabe manhandles the newcomer for the next five minutes or so, at which point BGE head trainer Jonny Firestorm appears at ringside, resting his forearms on the center ropes and taking in the action. "Don't let me interrupt you," Jonny assures Gabe, smiling, though clearly wanting a piece of Lange, maybe a piece of Lange AND Steel. Of course, thirty seconds later Firestorm enters the ring and does interrupt him - or, actually, aids and abets.

For the next twenty-one minutes, the duo makes life hell for Leon Lange with claw holds, ab punches, headscissors, stretches, low blows, crab holds, figure-four leglocks, camel clutches, backbreakers, corner punches, the works. Pretty Leon offers no resistance, making this less a wrestling match than a hazing. Disappointing for me, but a sadist's holiday, and business as usual at BG East.

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