White Trunks Can't Jump Rope

Nick Naughton vs Denny Cartier, Jobberpaloozer 14 (BG East)

Anytime I see wrestling I like, I think the guys doing the wrestling are "my type." "My type" then tends to vary depending on the guy I last saw in a great match. But if I haven't watched a great match lately, my response is usually "big and meaty men"--though, more exactly, I should say "anyone who looks like he can wrestle."

This sweaty meat-on-meat match is a treat, squaring off a regular cheeseburger (Cartier, 5'6", 155#) against a Big Mac (Naughton, 5'11", 205#). Despite the differences in height and weight, the body types are similar--USDA Prime. Last year Naughton's David-and-Goliath match against Jonny Firestorm was a surprise hit with me, a surprise because the biblical genres of pro wrestling are not among my favorite. Also last year, a somewhat more seasoned Cartier than the one we see here showed Chace LaChance a thing or two about mat wrestling. Cartier's always been at his best in non-ring matches, in my opinion. Rings just aren't lucky for the guy--notice at the beginning of his match in Jobberpaloozer 14 how he bungles the jump-rope warmup before finally giving it up.

If I didn't know already that this fight is part of the Jobberpaloozer series and if I didn't see Naughton enter the ring wearing shades and if I didn't wonder why the jump-rope was even in the ring, given Denny's inability to use it, the first 16 minutes of this 30-minute match might trick me into believing this would be a close give-and-take-style contest. Cartier's no Firestorm, of course, but he gives Naughton a good run for his money, even gaining the first fall fairly early on. When Naughton comes roaring back at him, with cartoon smoke shooting out his nostrils, Cartier still holds his own, and then some.

The tide starts to turn as early as the seven-minute mark, when Naughton chokes Cartier with the discarded jump-rope. It's a vicious move, worthy of a heel in high standing, and wins him the second fall by submission. "That's why you brought this in here today," Naughton gloats, "so I could have fun with it. Jump-ropes ARE fun." Enraged by the cheat's dastardly methods, Cartier recovers and heroically kicks some Big Mac ass for the next nine or so minutes. Denny's awesome when he's hot under the collar, and he nearly destroys Nick in a faux-climactic headscissors while suspended from the corner ropes.

But the choking has taken a toll on Denny, as Nick knew it would, and after delivering a sterling comeuppance, Cartier's resources are shot, and the final 14 minutes confirm his jobber status. Naughton wipes the mat with Nick's sweat-soaked body. He stacks abuse on top of abuse, and at this point Denny is a lifeless wrestling dummy to which Nick can do as he sadistically pleases. Denny thrashes and writhes but offers no effective defense.

It's a pretty enough sight, but, man, poor Cartier!