Bumpers

Cheetah Boy vs Max Ryder, Match 740 - Hump Match (UCW)

Sometimes I just have to let go, and put my faith in UCW to know just what the fuck they're doing these days.  Starting as a novelty onefer, then a twofer, and on and on, the hump match has assumed a life of its own, apart from UCW's other products but drawing inspiration from them. It's sort of the Joanie Loves Chachi of underground wrestling. It's a spin-off that nevertheless remains firmly in the UCW universe of crazed roughhouse.

It isn't X-rated porn, but it flirts with it, just enough to make some people (me, a little bit) uncomfortable. Obviously there's a market for it, and I'm always happy to help the boys in any way I can. Humping is a form of aggression familiar to summer campers and prison cellmates. In those contexts it's the final indignity imposed on the loser of a wrestling match, boxing match, or (I don't know) pie-eating contest. However, at UCW, humping is part of a scoring system - he who gets in the most humps or is first to reach a target number of humps wins the contest.

Of Cheetah Boy's eight matches at UCW, three have been hump matches, so he's the up-and-coming poster boy of humping. Others have as many or more - Axel, Max, Tyson the Hammer - but their hump numbers are greatly outweighed by other types of matches. Cheetah may soon be the crown prince of humps. And may the thrust be with him.

What constitutes a legit hump is vague. Some humps pound hard, typically towards an orifice; some register as a half-hearted version of the hokey-pokey. Some hit only the air between the two opponents. Some seem to hit the money spot - but without penetration. I can't recall a hump match with a ref who can distinguish a hump from other, lesser forms of pelvic thrust. It's not an exact science, is it. It's playful, rough, but ultimately tamer than the biting, oil-checking, gut punching, ball grabbing, and concrete-wall bashing that preceded it.

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