Monday, April 16, 2012

Ten Hottest Mainstream (Not Underground) Matches

More than anything I mean this post as a provocation and perhaps the start of a dialogue. I am in no position to make a definitive list of matches that, while not specifically designed to draw gay men's attention, nevertheless pack a wallop, homo-libido-wise. One, I have not seen nearly all there is to see. Two, I cannot and do not speak for other gay and bi men's tastes in men or wrestling. But taking what I know and what I like (and, whatever else might be said, I am somebody who knows what he likes), I came up with the following list, based on a loose set of five criteria.

My criteria include

  1. hotness of one or both of the participants' bodies, 
  2. hotness of the body contact, 
  3. hotness of one or both of the wrestlers' attitudes, 
  4. hotness of the angle or storyline (I'm especially drawn to themes of payback), and 
  5. skimpiness and hugginess of the gear, pretty much in that order.

An ulterior motive is to get you, dear readers, to point me in the direction of more of the good stuff, while doing my best to direct you towards some stuff you may have missed over the years. Also, I am not trying to make some kind of point by excluding WWE and Impact Wrestling--I don't often find their brand of action exciting "down there," but would happily hear suggestions as to particular matches I need to add to my must-see list. In addition, feel free to comment on how your criteria in judging mainstream wrestling hotness differ from mine.

  1. Kevin Von Erich versus Jimmy Garvin, WCCW (25 July 1983): Nobody pushed a man into the corner ropes as beautifully as Von Erich, and as a preening fancy man who needs to be taken down a notch, Jimmy Garvin had no equal.
  2. Jason Hades versus Jayson Quick, IWA Mid-South (27 Sept. 2008): Recommended to me by a reader some time ago, this cage match rates high for its high stakes (loser loses his name and leaves IWA) and for its sweat-drenched panic-stricken I-quit submission. You heard me: "loses his motherfucking name"!
  3. Steven Walters versus John Skyler, Pride and Honor Wrestling (30 Apr. 2011): As I have already said on several occasions, Walters is the epitome of old-school Southern-wrestling sex appeal today. Exquisite mat work here: just mulling over Walters' headscissors and subsequent rear naked choke on Skyler has helped me fall asleep on many a night.
  4. Adam Cole versus Mike Bennett, Ring of Honor, Champions vs All Stars: Two hot bodies at major turning points in their wrestling careers, proving to bosses and fans what they are capable of.
  5. Ivan Gromov versus Iron Wolf, Independent Wrestling Federation (2010): If the French language lends itself to romance, Russian is the tongue for hurling challenges and growling insults. Watching Gromov's huge muscular back quiver like a stallion's haunch as he clobbers Iron Wolf outside the ring makes the hairs on my tender parts stand on end.
  6. The Lightning Kid versus Steve Simpson, Global Wrestling Federation (13 July 1991): Steve Simpson "puts the kid to bed" in a wildly entertaining match, whose high point is a dizzying kiwi roll that is bewilderingly sexy.
  7. Eric Ryan versus Bobby Beverly, Absolute Intense Wrestling, Absolution VI: Former teammates turn on each other with a vengeance--boner-worthy aggression as years of trust and friendship come crashing down.
  8. Owen Phoenix versus Behnam Ali, 4 Front Wrestling (29 Jan. 2011): Dewy youth, nothing beats it, especially when barely hairy balls swell and nothing relieves the stress like a good ass-whomping. Bonus points for Owen's vicious working of Behnam's knee on the mat.
  9. Alex Silva versus Billy Gibson, Northern Championship Wrestling (12 May 2011): Brooding Alex versus arrogant Billy--Gibson is a chipper upstart whose time has arrived for having his ego crushed, and Silva strides out to the ring all but licking his lips.
  10. Slim J versus Patrick Bentley, NWA Anarchy, Hostile Environment 2007: Two high-flying bad boys who don't play by the rules, plus a deliciously dastardly betrayal at the end.

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